FOOL EFFICIENCY

THE SKINNY: THUMB STUCK IN BRICK WALL, WATER RISING, SHARP KNIFE, RUNNING OUT OF DUTCH METAPHORS.

Whoa, that water shrivels the ol' clackers! Almost took the thumb off right there. Cold, like a first wife's lesbian girlfriend. Pondering shrinkticular testage further, I wondered what's one shrivelling appendage to another? What... if...?

A few minutes later I'm staring at my welded digit through a muddy haze. It doesn't seem to be getting any smaller. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

I pop my head above the narrowing surface and take in what could be my last breath as a five fingered discounter. Time to cut bait.

"Freeze!" I turn, my eyes just above the surface. "Mister Freeze!" A shape, half in the swim, hangs off the ladder just below the ceiling.

Hai Yoo? It's my loyal Korean ESL student. I can barely get the words out. "Hai! Yoo! Quit yelling so loud! It's a trap! Hintercloos! My thumb's stuck in this wall!"

"Mister Freeze, use this!" he cries, and skips a white tube over to me. I can just reach it. The water's at my chin. I pull the tube close. It's a travel sized container of KY Warming Ultra Gel. A personal lubricant, smooth, non-messy, creates a gentle warming sensation on contact and helps increase intimacy. "I didn't get you anything!"

"Use on thumb, Mister Freeze!" Above my head a light bulb clicks, then sputters, from condensation. I plunge under the surface, uncap the container and jam the tube where wall meets thumb. Squeeze, Freeze, squeeze. Indeed a pleasant warming sensation. I crunch the tube empty and start twisting my wrist...

I break the surface. "Mister Freeze, are you a light?" I hold up my bloody right mitt. "Damn straight I'm a light! Good job! Thumb is pretty messed up though."

"Mister Freeze, use this!" he cries again, skipping another package at me. A Trojan Magnum Spermicidal Lubed Condom. Now I'm starting to get creeped out. "Use on thumb, Mister Freeze!" Right, a field dressing. I'll wonder privately about the Korean's kommando kit later.

Back at the compound Yoo filled me in. Hintercloos and some dutch uncles stopped by for a break and shake. Now it's no secret that Bolivians shriek like man-monkeys when tripped upon. As such, my patented BTinfiniti "Bolivians-Tied-2-A-Pole" perimeter alarm allowed Yoo ample time to eject using the LazyBoy Jet Hover Reclinerator.

The lowlanders still managed to tear the place up. Lack of respect for other people's property is nothing new for the Dutch. Yoo hovertailed the clog squad back to the Hintercloos complex, witnessed my capture, then waited for the goons to leave before busting in and saving my ass. As reward, I've shaved a few bucks off his rent and adopted a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy regarding his "kommando kit".

Of course, he's responsible for re-fueling the Reclinerator. At today's prices? He could have used the solar sectional or the electric ottoman. I'll eat the cost of replenishing the Bolivians.