BRASS BALLS

I apologize up front for the lack of dispatch. I've been sick with this back to school bug. Hai Yoo, my Korean ESL student, brought home yet another mutated and aggressive virus after visiting his 14th aunt back in one of the Koreas. How many more undiscovered relations can that citizenship-challenged Asian boast?

I was laid up in the yet-to-be-refueled Reclinerator, feeling sorry for myself, practicing my adhoc cover manifesto of self-flagellation and daytime television. You know, taking in hi-def bovine byproduct on the flatulent screen.

Between kleenex runs, runs for kleenex and getting the runs from kleenex, I may have missed something. Like the meat puppets of MSFOXNN letting Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Sixpack in on congressional hearings regarding supposed military action in Iraq. Perhaps, whilst engaging my steady diet of phlegm and expired suppressants in the steam closet, I missed reports of my old trench mate Major General John Batiste offering up his nuts for the blessed constitution. 110% American salt.

Apparently professional military leadership (army brass) have been forced (taken it upon themselves) to command oversight responsibilities upon (blind tackle) that crazy fucker (Don Rumsfeld) Don Rumsfeld.

The Days of Our Oprah crowd missed the Major General instructing Rummy in the art of multiple combinations to the jocklehangers. If the old bastard suffered from stones he'll no doubt be expelling a waterfall next visit to the head, colour uncertain.

"Donald Rumsfeld is not a competent wartime leader."

"...dismal strategic decisions resulted in the unnecessary deaths of American servicemen and women, our allies, and the good people of Iraq."

Hats on! In my day your chopper would just crash in the Balkans or you'd be eaten alive by freakish republican golum. Rummy must be perceived as weak and coup-de-gras friendly. Batiste is one brave sonofabitch, but not stupidly so.

"Rumsfeld and the administration are fighting a war in secret that threatens our democratic values. This needs to stop right now, today."

Back in the day we never grew Batiste Backboners because frankly the money was too good. When it came to budget funding we took it black, like Katrina.

"I hung up my uniform because I came to the gut-wrenching realization that I could do more good for my soldiers and their families out of uniform."

There it is. Nothing stirs America's fragile, MSG-riddled heart like aged, naked dogface. Try not to let the eyes wander south. You may recoil violently and enviously from a sight more impressive than the current administration's ambiguous genitalia.

Hooah. Hack. Spew.

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