NOTABLE QUOTES FROM THE APE ANGLERS OF BORNEO

"Many ape fish not know it not fish they after."

"Give ape fish, ape eat. Teach ape fish, ape freak out human."

"Bad day fish better bad day circus."

"Ape and fish same. Both get trouble when open mouth."

SWIMMING ORANGUTANS' SPEARFISHING EXPLOITS AMAZE WILDLIFE EXPERTS

MOMMY MAKEOVERS

Just in time for Mother's Day, a Florida plastic surgeon has published "My Beautiful Mommy", a self-help book for kids confused about Mom's new bazoongas.

With hundreds of thousands of women a year going under the knife, it's only fitting that their children (most of whom are the reasons behind the need for major nipping and tucking) receive some attention from the industry. After all, it's only a matter of time before the little dickens wake up and smell the imperfections themselves.

We here a Fleece Publishing applaud the effort and have immediately launched a series of publications to cash in... er... further this brave endeavor.


Of course, not all plastic surgeries are as successful as we are led to believe. What do the kids think when Mom comes home looking like a carp pressed under glass with a chest full of doorknobs?























Other grown ups in our children's lives may have their appearances altered by the wonders of modern medicine. How confused might they be when the gym teacher (who also teaches life skills) shows up with a new "package" courtesy of those helpful pop up ads and informative spam e-mails from Mexico?



















After witnessing some less than stellar results first hand, junior might need a little help overcoming his unfounded night frights. Why discuss first hand your child's confused feelings of horror and inadequacy when a helpful publication written by the plastic surgery industry will easily suffice?

MARS NEEDS MONKEYS!

50 years to the day the Soviets roasted Sputnik II on re-entry (along with Russian space pooch "Laika", the poker playing mongrel with the worst win/loss percentage this side of the Urals) Russia has pledged a one way trip to the red planet for some lucky monkey.

The announcement was delayed until the passing of Charlton Heston for obvious reasons.

Grueling tests are currently underway at the Sochi Institute of Medical Primatology, where a batch of macaques with the right monkey stuff have begun studying radiation exposure, prolonged weightlessness, isolation and zero gravity poop flinging.

At a press conference following the announcement, three swaggering cosmonkeys attempted to answer questions from the international press. Riding into a conference room on Russian space tricycles, the interplanetary primates immediately set upon CNN's Wolf Blitzer and began viciously preening his beard. This was followed by a shrieking match with CBS's Katie Couric. The conference was abandoned soon after further ruckus involving Anderson Cooper's papaya-scented face balm.

The Russian Mars Monkey program is to be partially underwritten by cosmo-cosmetics giant Revlon in return for confidential eye liner and lip gloss testing.

FRISCO COP SNUFFS OLYMPIC FLAMER

"Dammit Callaghan!"

"Look chief, when I see a crazed chinaman running through a crowd with a flame thrower, I'm not waiting around to see if he invites me to a weenie roast!"

"Dammit Callaghan! That was an Olympic torch runner! And we don't say 'chinaman' anymore! Didn't you get the memo?"

"I don't get memos chief. I get results"

"Dammit Callaghan!"