Tuesday, December 18, 2007

IT'S STILL A WONDERFUL IDEA

Alright, so this is the same pic I ran last year. After sitting through countless seasons of Wahoo Doray, I have seen the light. My plan is to cash in like Schultz and the Seussman. Sit back and watch the resids roll in until I'm a shell of my former creative self, out of ideas and void of any personal integrity. Workin' on it.

I'll run this pic well into GeeDub's fourth, fifth, eleventh term in office. I'll run it until a doddering old man with wings drops from the sky and flings the corrupt bastard off a snowy bridge into the icy karmic current.

Sadly the Bedford Falls bridge has a better chance of collapsing from neglect than it does becoming a new platform for American justice. Bushie Banditos have ransacked the treasury so there's not even money left for gaffer tape. Word is of a plan to borrow more money from China to hire Mexicans to hold up America's bridges bare handed. These days it sound plausible, doesn't it? Good luck finding Americans willing to hold up their own bridges.

BLAST FROM CHRISTMAS PAST





Hey China! Who's the bloated lackey of the capitalist toy mongers now?

Back then it was "eat death, Santa". Now it's "eat hot lead paint, kids!"

COVER: NATIONAL LAMPOON DECEMBER 1970

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Saturday, November 24, 2007

HOW 'ARD, CAN IT BE?

AND NOW A WORD FROM FORMER AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER JOHN HOWARD


Bladdy ell. Afta a leavin' bladdy yees, this is the thinks aye bladdy git?

Sayventeen bladdy yeas egganomic greyth dan the bladdy shiteroo mate. Waydle they bladdy well see the Layba Paddy's fiscal palsy stand at lake a bladdy shag on a rack.

Dent remind me mate, bladdy Eye Rack. An bladdy George bladdy Bush. Tike a guess ooze necks mate. Too bladdy rights.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

LET'S PLAY "DEFINITION"

National Intelligence Deputy Director Donald Kerr claims the time is right to privatize privacy.

Testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Kerr suggested that privacy can no longer mean anonymity. It could instead be defined as "government and private enterprise properly safeguarding people's private communications and financial information".

The Senate Committee then adjourned to determine a new definition for the phrase "properly safeguarding".

I'd like to throw a rider or two on the ass end of that one as well, Mr. Kerr.

If we could also change the definition of "monogamy" it would go a long way to getting me out of trouble with the wife. As well, the phrase "past due" and the word "summons" need a slight tweak, as do "contractual" and "obligation".

AP: DEFINITION CHANGING FOR PEOPLE'S PRIVACY

Friday, November 02, 2007

LET THE BEAVER SOAR

As foreseen by Canadian economist Pamela Anderson in the seminal film "Barb Wire", the Canadian Dollar is fast dominating the flaccid US greenback, or "Freedom Peso".

As of this posting the Canuck buck has jumped to $1.07 US, prompting concerned hosers to call for a great wall to be constructed along the 49th parallel. The massive undertaking could provide jobs for American economic refugees looking north for employment. Canada's population, a mere 10% of the United States, cannot possibly support a domestic servant ratio of 10-1. Canadians also have fewer pools to clean and almost no oranges to pick, although US labour exporters are upbeat that global warming could soon increase those numbers.

Currency experts warn the rally could be short lived if Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper carries out his plans to invade Yemen, borrow five trillion dollars from China and outlaw the off switch on all electronics.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

ONE OF OUR BILLIONAIRES IS MISSING

Why must the financially challenged always get in the way of the incredibly wealthy?

The search for stinking rich adventurer Steve Fossett's downed experimental aircraft has only turned up wreckage of planes belonging to missing fliers with far less impressive bank accounts.

The fabulously, stupidly rich Fossett had survived a 30,000 foot plunge in a crippled hot air balloon, icy temperatures in a swim across the English Channel and hours alone in shark infested waters. Plus he was filthy, dirty, nasty rich.

And so by rights of being able to farmer-hankey a nasty nose-full of nasal grease into a 10 gallon bucket tight with thousand dollar bills, Steve Fossett and his wreckage demand swift recovery. Instead searchers turn up what's left of some businessman who Tanquerayed it into a mountain flying to Reno during a shitty 1964 divorce.

Searchers believe they've found a half dozen more martini fly-boys scattered out there, no doubt mortgage payers all. An estimated two-hundred more of these cashless crashers litter the Sierra Nevada. None combined earn a line jump past Steve Fossett's billions. The man could pay for over a month of Iraq war, body armour included.

The unbridled audacity. Imagine a young, beautiful girl with straight teeth and curly, blonde hair gets kidnapped. An outraged community bands together and sweeps the neighbourhood, but rescues only a handful of homely and overweight girls with braces and bad skin.

You think Larry King gives a suspender snap? If you ain't got the golden wings then stay out of the golden eagles' flight corridor.

CNN Search for Fossett

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

LIKE A REICH

German troops pose with a General Motors / Opel "Blitz",
the three-ton truck that nearly saved Nazi Europe.


This fall the 15+ hour "The War" airs on PBS. No doubt many an untold story will finally be told from the war after the war to end all wars. It's big and expensive, just like real war. It's also underwritten by General Motors. Again, just like real war.

In 1938 James D. Mooney, GM's head of overseas operations, received the German Eagle with Cross, the highest medal Hitler awarded to foreign commercial collaborators and supporters. Why? Because of a little truck that could... help subjugate Europe.

GM's European subsidiary, Opel, provided Hitler's war machine with a fantastically sturdy three-ton truck, the Opel "Blitz". As in "Blitzkrieg".

Der Fuhrer thought der Blitz was one terrific truck. He drove it all over Europe. Off-roading through Poland, France, Russia... it wasn't Ford tough, but it was Nazi tough. Sadly, at the end of World War 2 most of the Opel plants in Germany were destroyed by allied bombing. Luckily for inconvenienced GM shareholders the company was paid $32 million by the U.S. government for damages sustained to its German plants.

Haliburton, kneel to thy master.

WASHINGTON POST FORD & GM ALLEGED NAZI COLLABORATION
JERUSALEM POST HITLER'S CARMAKER
SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE NAZIS RODE TO WAR ON GM WHEELS

Friday, September 07, 2007

BUSH BOMBS (at) SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE

King Leopold, er, President Bush today praised Austrian troops in Iraq during a keynote speech to OPEC nations in Sydney, Australia.

And when the day comes that Austria deploys soldiers to the Gulf and the US and Australia join OPEC this could go down as a pretty good speech.

Until then chalk up another verbal cluster fuck by the Maestro of Malaprop. Bush was followed by Aussie PM John Howard after emcee Paul Hogan declared "...that's not a statesman. Now THIS is a statesman."

To add near injury to insult, W almost fell into the orchestra pit leaving the lectern. The world was saved the horrific imagery of the Commander in Grief's legs flailing from within a giant Tex Avery tuba. Now that would have been embarrassing.

YAHOO NEWS: Bush has bad day at Sydney Opera House

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Saturday, July 14, 2007

NOT-SO-SECRET SQUIRRELS

Iranians arrest 14 squirrels for spying
"Iranian intelligence operatives recently detained over a dozen squirrels found within the nation's borders, claiming the rodents were serving as spies for Western powers determined to undermine the Islamic Republic."

Half a year's undercover work blown! Months of intense training down the drain. Just after I was able to transform a frantic and indecisive baker's dozen plus of layabout junkie squirrels into a crack covert strike group - disaster strikes inside the borders of Iran.
















Captured squirrel to Iranian interrogators: NUTS!

Now the finger pointing starts. Who ratted us out? Was it the Brits? Could the once-healthy rivalry between our Covert Squirrel Squad and the Queen's own Band of Basra Badgers have ended with such treachery? Doubtful. Betrayal this deep usually comes from within.



IN HAPPIER TIMES: Rehabilitated junkie squirrel #000 consults with deep cover op "Morocco Mole", or "MM", who is now suspected of a treasonous double cross during OPERATION PERSIAN PEANUT

Iranian strongman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad better watch his nuts! There's plenty of patriotic rodentia in the mighty Fleece forest.

LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD SCIURIDAE!

In light of this recent setback, the top secret Fleece training facility in Cascadia is again taking applications for any shade-tails interested in foreign service. Calling all able bodied and patriotic tree squirrels, ground squirrels, chipmunks and marmots (please, no woodchucks). Flying squirrels fluent in middle eastern dialects given top priority, sexual preferences not withstanding.

INTENSIVE SECRET SQUIRREL TRAINING FACILITY
Fleece Compound - Spring 2007






Saturday, June 02, 2007

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

COP A BANANA

If Chiquita had supported the correct paramilitary groups, they'd be getting tax breaks instead of court dates.

WASHINGTON - Banana company Chiquita Brands International said Wednesday it has agreed to a $25 million fine after admitting it paid terrorists for protection in a volatile farming region of Colombia.

The settlement resolves a lengthy Justice Department investigation into the company's financial dealings with right-wing paramilitaries and leftist rebels the U.S. government deems terrorist groups.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

NICE F***ING GRAPHIC, NBC



Oh no they don't.

They are not pinning this one on ME.

Friday, February 02, 2007

DISINFORMATION JUST IN

Just when things are looking bleak in your world, opportunity knocks like a cheap Japanese four-banger packed with sumo.

As I'm pondering which treasure within the Fleece compound to barter away for new wheels (damned car-jacking junkie squirrels), along comes a money shot to the arm through the old 56k morse modem.

It's a welcome heads up from my old Chilean bunker mate J. Bob "Oil Can" Harry at the American Enterprise Institute, an old-school conservative drunk tank dedicated to preserving and strengthening the foundations of kicking left wing ass. J. Bob tips me that they're offering ten grand to anyone remotely connected with science or economics to undermine a major climate change report published today.

Now I've used enough science to wreck enough economies to declare this one "manna from heaven". Well, maybe a little lower. Easy green none the less.

How do I smear the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change? Let me count the ways. First, the IPCC... IPCC? Yes, I see see you pee. The front of your pants are stained yellower than a jaundiced commie coward hiding in the dandelions. What are you so scared about, ladies? Own some beach front?

See, it's just that easy.

Oh the ice melting irony. That an ExxonMobil-funded shill mill like the AEI is gonna cut me a check to buy another vehicle thirsty for sweet, bubbling dino-juice. Ha koona ma kaka. It's the circle of strife.

Get in on it, Fleecekiteers. There's plenty of ink spilling polar bear lovers out there begging for a totalitarian smackdown. It's easier than driving flatbed through Fallujah. And as per the norm, big bonus if you can pull Al Gore down into the muck.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

NO LEGUME TO MANEUVER

In the jungle you take plastic or you take one in the ear.

Working for The Company we had "Card Blanch" for any and all expenses. Agent Blanchard would show up with a Bolivian man-purse spilling enough bogus credit cards to float an emirate.

Once we backed a South American coup with Diner's Club. It all started with an argument about banana futures over tiny umbrellas outside Neuva Loja at Traitor Vic's. Vic used the exact same mints in the urinals as he gave out with the check. It was all Dole! Chiquita! DOLE! CHIQUITA! until our buddy Vic sold us out to the Ecuadorian militia, all on account of a nasty 1-star review. Who the hell wants to eat grilled tapir?

Those days are long gone, and so is Vic.

In this new century and throughout the majestic Cascadia, it's no secret that I run a tight edge of the wilderness. Old spooks in the Soviet Remnant will hunt my rabbit for only a whiff of the butt-whisker. It's hard to compete with that.

After being financially forced to scale back tribute to the local "custodians", I see a pack of lowlife junkie squirrels jonesing for peanuts steal my beloved Iltis and run it off a cliff. Men don't let squirrels drive for a reason.

I try to see past it. I study the structural wonder that is the Fleece compound. There be accomplishment, purpose, peace. Expertly jury rigged and twined to an acceptable spectacular, somehow ready to launch one last run at glory.

It took me months to secure that Iltis, a Deutch 4x4 built by Volkswagon during the Europa Jeep circle jerk of 1976. You can buy the stripped down grunt version on Craigslist. Mine was the German officer's edition with command suspension, a Milan missile system, and a heated stein holder that would keep a quart of Dopplebock room temperature from Warsaw to Stalingrad.

Because when what carries you lies ruined with busted nuts among dead junkie squirrels, warm Dopplebock.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007