Saturday, July 29, 2006

SOMEBODY CALL OPRAH

My imaginary publisher has given the green light to what could possibly be a book. I don't want to give anything away, including the title. Please ignore the accompanying cover proof so as not to spoil what will no doubt will be a book.

Alright, a few nuggets. Let's just say it will be in fact a book, possibly written by someone purporting to be me. Beyond that I have no idea. Seriously. In fact, if anyone has any good ideas I'd love to hear them. I'm desperate to hear them. Ever since my muse, Bambi, was repossessed by the bastards at realdoll.com I haven't been able to write a shopping list. I can't sign my damned name. I'd write an X, but I can hardly remember how that works.

If it wasn't for my Korean ESL student Hai Yoo and his exemplary dictation skills, I doubt this post, nay the entire blog, would be possible. God bless the quiet Asian students of this world. Study all the damned day, hardly eat a thing. Helps with the rent as well, and that's a good thing what with Mrs. Fleece leaving me high and dry all on account of those rat bastards at realdoll dot com.

When a business tells you "we ship anonymously", get it in writing. I can't emphasize that enough. And here's another tip. A seven foot tall, two hundred pound wooden crate containing a lifesize, lifelike sex doll is way too big to be delivered to a post office box at Kinko's. Because what happens is the moron clerk at Kinko's calls the a-hole at the post office who then calls the craphound at realdoll dot effing com who decides to call your wife and ask her where she wants the sex doll delivered. She never understood my muse Bambi. Never.

Anyways, I'm waiting on those story ideas, people. Let's show all the Kinko asshats and post office dweebs and realdoll dot effing com lowlifes what true talent is all about. And lay off the emails, you hungry hollywood weasels, you bottom feeding stinkbugs... it ain't even written yet.

WTF
(Warren T. Fleece)

SCARY MONSTERS




Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Monday, July 24, 2006

CNN HAS MORE TROOPS IN LEBANON THAN ISRAEL







One errant shell could cut Time Warner's payroll in half.


FOX, meanwhile,
not to be outdone...

Possibly the last reference to science ever witnessed on FOX news.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

WEEEEEE!



VADER TIRES OF PUSHING BROOM FOR THE MAN

Resist enjoying a beverage while watching, unless your monitor needs a good spray clean...

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Friday, July 21, 2006

ALL HAT, NO CATTLE: W @ NAACP



"Nobody move or the moron gits it!"






"I consider it a tragedy that the party of Abraham Lincoln let go of its historical ties with the African-American community," Bush said. "For too long, my party wrote off the African-American vote, and many African-Americans wrote off the Republican Party."


"There was an amazing gap between the aspirations of his speech and the policy behind it. It was so vague."

"Bush talked about his No Child Left Behind education program, but did not mention that it has been underfunded. He raised many issues, but didn't offer solutions."

"Stop being a Stepin Fetchit for Dick Cheney!"

QUOTES COURTESY THE OLYMPIAN
(link to article expired since original post)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

BUSH 0-2 WITH KIDS

Hope in America is restored as Adorable Toddler flips Bush the bird during his stem cell veto speech. The Republican strategy of appealing to the pre-school vote seems to be faltering of late as polling numbers show.


RANGE & APPROVAL RATING

Ages 3-5 "Booger Fart"
Ages 2-3 "Poopy"
Ages 1-2 "Doodoo"
Ages 0-1 "Undecided"
Embryo - 0 "The deficit is what? I'm SCREWED!"



STRIKE TWO
Bush fails to demonstrate that you can
"squeeze stem cells from a young'n"


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

PUTIN THE BOOTS TO

Jabby ex-red border boxer Vlad "2Boots" Putin ain't fillin' the galushki hole with seconds. It's a political chin shot - two in fact - with the BB Boys ouchin' and yelpin' and duckin' for cover - too late.

Vlad suckered Tony B with an uppercut concerning the combustible "cash for peerages" scandal that has engulfed the blighty's ruling Labour Party. While Blair counted the stars, the steely Putin served Dubya a right hook that the two Karls - Rove and Marx - would be proud of. Democracy? “We certainly would not want to have same kind of democracy as they have in Iraq, quite honestly.” Here's your ass back, fratboy. Bus stop is down the street. Fear my KGB skillz.

The G8 Merkleoglers were lucky only the chins got skinned. Putin, known as "2Boots", has the ability to literally kick both your nuts out, two shots, one nut at a time. Ask Yeltsin.

It can be done. It's all about will, instinct and precision. Advantage Vlad - in the cagematch for Supreme Earth Overlord. 'Cause you gotta have the right kind of crazy, baby.

WALMART GREETERS DEPLOY SOUTH

The US Dept. of Defense has deployed 5,000 blue-vested WalMart greeters to combat illegal immigration into the United States from Mexico.

"After running out of regular army and guard units, we were at a loss... make that a stop loss" chuckled DoD spokesman H.R. Puffenstuv. "It was either them or the boy scouts, and we need the scouts for Venezuela. You didn't hear me say that. Besides old people love the dry heat. They head south anyway. It's win win, a no brainer."


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

HARPOONED

Canada's chillingly bush PM Harper ("area god shill takes country") is in the media mutt-slam for backing up Israel with the "measured response" talking point as Yarmulka missiles kerplutz Canadians in Lebanon.

To prevent further bad press, endangered Canuckistanis will be plucked from peril by Pierre Burton's gallant lads & lesbians at sea. HMS Stretchypants steams for the holy fester after a crane pulls her from the adventure pond at West Edmonton Mall.

Monday, July 17, 2006

EINER BLITZ MASSAGE, MEIN FRAU?

A guide to proper behavior guidelines for the work environment
FEATURING THE G8 PLAYERS
Suave Herzog.............PREZNIT GEORGE W BUSH
Frau Victim...............GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL

UNDT VE BEGIN!



The issue of sexual harrassment
in the workplace is complicated...






...by the fact that men and women view
the issue of what constitutes sexual harrassment...








...differently.









Put simply, some behaviours that men considered
"harmless social interaction"...










...women considered "harrassing".






Clearly there is a role for education in the workplace...

Clearly sneaks up from behind, grabs her, exits
back, and to the left...
back, and to the left...
back, and to the left...





WILL LEAD FREE WORLD FOR FOOD


"If you owe $100,000 that's your problem.
If you owe $100,000,000 that's the bank's problem."

QUESTION: So whose problem is it
when a country owes $66 TRILLION??


ANSWER: CHINA

Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis Review
OPENS PDF FILE USING ADOBE ACROBAT
IF YOU'D LIKE TO READ A LONG, BORING
ESSAY ABOUT HOW SCREWED THE USA IS FINANCIALLY


Sunday, July 16, 2006

LOVE AMERICAN STYLE

Awwwww FREAK OUT!

YOU CAN'T WRITE THIS SHIT!!!
But you can write this shit:
1) Finally found the WMDs
2) "The Dead Zone 2"
3) (Shakes baby violently)
This is what I do to leakers!
4) Look upon my works, ye baby,
and despair!
5) IT BURNS!
6) The most avant garde
Robert De Niro impression ever.
7) This how you get baby oil!
8) Time for a change, America!
9) BRAAAINNSSSS!!!!
10) Smells like foreign policy

HEZBOLLAH'S A POPPIN'

I've been reading NY Times' Sy Hersch's opinions that the US would attack Iran by August since the beginning of the year, but all the major bingo callers in the states missed this one from late May:

War with Iran will probably not begin with a frontal assault by the U.S. and/or Israel on Iran's alleged nuclear weapons facilities, or even a skirmish along the Iraq-Iran border. Look to Lebanon and Syria for the first battlegrounds of this developing regional war. The Israelis know perfectly well that Iran's nuclear ambitions, if they ever materialize, are not an immediate threat: their real concern is their volatile northern border, where their deadly enemies – Hezbollah – are an effective obstacle to Israeli influence."
antiwar.com - showdown over iran

But either way you cut the babka, one thing is for sure...

... the Archduke Ferdinand
scholarship is awarded to:

Cpl. Shalit, who holds dual Israeli and French citizenship, has been described as quiet, athletic and a good student who planned to go to study mathematics at university after completing his military service, which began a year ago.

Duel Israeli AND FRENCH CITIZENSHIP??
So he surrendered after all!
Sorry France - a cheap shot - a bloggian headbutt if you will.

heh - the US shmedia keeps saying this cat was "kidnapped", not "captured". It's the little things, ain't it?