Monday, October 30, 2006

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Friday, October 27, 2006


Overwhelming feedback from my last post regarding the current president's nostalgic pangs for Peanutty Koogle. Sarah at the NuTang Institute, which evidently promotes the resurgence of the Apollo Space Program's stalwart vitamin C delivery system, writes:

Chocolate and peanut in a spread?!
I can see why he likes it!

Oh it was a tasty treat alright. Designed during the glory years of "The Project for a New American Sandwich Spread", or "P-NASS", a corporate think tank weary of a robust, politically aware post-war citizenry ingesting fresh and nutritious foodstuffs. There were many other petroleum byproducts engineered into lovable snack digestible, although only one survives in it's original molecular build.

Cheez Whiz, which should be known more for the alarming namesake medical condition it precipitates rather than it's own consumable property, was a marketing phenomenon. It's murky origins have long been the stuff of dark rumour and stand up comedy, and tales of it's reverse-engineered origins following the Roswell incident are constantly denied by both P-NASS and the FDA.

In his autobiography "It's Soylent Yellow, People" Chick Daney, R&D team leader at the Kraft skunkworks facility at LaBrea, California, described the moment Cheez Whiz was green lit as a viable substitute for nutrition:

"All the suits from The Project for a New American Sandwich Spread were breathing down our necks for a final polymer build that they could take to market. My team was pretty sure we had a winner as a heat shield fastener for the proposed shuttle program, but flavor testing was coming back negative. Running out of time, we went next door to where Marlboro was testing it's latest menthol line and grabbed a sample group. It turned out they had negatively impacted salivary glands as well as concave taste buds, and over half the group committed suicide not long after trials. We passed the Whiz around on wax paper squares. Out of the 75 tested, 94% stated without equivocation that, and this was completely un-coached, the Whiz "tasted like P-NASS". Or at least that's how we wrote it up. The suits from the Project creamed themselves over that one, saw it as a sign from Jesus or something, and ran with it."

Cheez Whiz changed a) the way Americans thought about food, and b) the way other people thought about Americans. Koogle essentially followed the same marketing plan but never came close to dethroning the Whiz. Other challengers included the now infamous "Shitzel", the Marshall Plan-ending West German "SchadenFood" (sold as "Die Jest" outside Europe), and the gastrocidal Hungarian curdfest "Wheya Dareya".

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


I have got to get the latch fixed on my sensory deprivation tank. Three weeks on an unsteady diet of peyote and salt water gives you far too clear a mind for this crazy world. Hai Yoo, my hearing -challenged Korean ESL student, finally opened the hatch only because he thought the spin cycle was done on the whites. He wasn't far wrong. The upside is I lost 25 pounds and learned Mandarin, which will be the only language spoken in 2070. Trust me, the sunsets then are something else.

Speaking of altered states, less than two weeks until the midterm elections and Bush is talking about how he likes "the google" on "the internets". He's watching over you, America. Sitting upstairs above eleventy billion dollars in real-time infra-red fart-catching satellite-snoop technology, the most powerful man in the world is watching you on a 300 dollar Dell using public beta software.

Fact is W doesn't like the basement and only runs down & back quickly when he wants a popsicle from the freezer next to Cheney's collection of shrunken heads. Ashcroft used to kill the lights when W hit the bottom step going down. High-larious.

He only discovered Google because it reminded him of "Koogle", as in "Peanutty Koogle with the Koo Koo Koogly Eyes", his favourite Kraft processed peanut & chocolate spread during the years avoiding duty in the Guard. Reef up a jay and knock back a jar. There's worse ways to spend a war.

Bush switched from real peanuts to processed after surviving too many near death choking incidents. Lack of oxygen to the brain during these episodes is the main culprit behind most of the nation's current woes, so you can quit blaming Karl Rove. Most Republicans have trouble with the lowly peanut, and now you know why Carter beat Ford in '76.

Here's another little known: W fills his pants at the sight of the Planters mascot, that smiley franken-legume with the top hat and monocle. Years back when W was at Yale, Saddam Hussein showed up at a Skull & Bones Halloween bash dressed as "Mr. Peanut". Apparently revenge is a dish best served at the cost of $9 Billion per month.

Found a peanut, found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now,
Just now I found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now.

Cracked it open, cracked it open,
Cracked it open just now,
Just now I cracked it open,
Cracked it open just now.

It was rotten, it was rotten,
It was rotten just now,
Just now it was rotten,
It was rotten just now.

Saturday, October 07, 2006


Raul Castro had some sad news for his Brother Fidel

Raul: Fidel, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Fidel: Give me the worst.

Raul: You have terminal cancer. You have only three months to live.

Fidel: Give me the other bad news.

Raul: You also have Alzheimer's.

Fidel: Good, at least it's not cancer!

Laugh comrades, laugh!!!

Monday, October 02, 2006