TRICK OR TREAT

ANSWER: MORE WINKY WINKY!

THE MILK OF HUMAN WEIRDNESS

This is embarrassing. For five months now I've been inadvertently sending blog updates to the "tips and tricks" forum of a magazine targeting new mothers.

So much for posting via email.

I guess the internets are truly a series of tubes, as the ones leading back to my compound are inexplicably clogged with a frothy white marinade. Running a T connection to my espresso machine has alleviated the impediment to a degree, although experiencing connection speeds below 56k after 37 shots of Macchiato is not for the faint of heart.

This would have continued ad infinitum if not for an email from the publishers notifying me that I'd won the grand prize in their "most prolific poster" competition.

Behold the puzzled owner of a USB-ready double breast pump. While not expecting any time soon, it does the job drying large cuts of venison after the smoke house burned down.

We now return to regular posting, already in progress.

DON'T TASE ME JEEBUS!

After spending 9,000 years in a dormant state, Americans are finally waking up to the injustices that their own government...

Hold on a sec.

After spending 9,000 years in a dormant state, the Chaiten Volcano in southern Chile finally erupted last week with a long overdue release of lava and ash plumes reaching across South America.

Even with ash clouds 17 kilometres high merging with lightning-infested thunderstorms, legions of normally awe struck bystanders and fleeing villagers have joined together to declare "FAKE!"

If a show like this doesn't fill seats - and pants - what does that say about today's reality goer?

"It's just hard luck this hellish chasm opened against Iron Man" declared an unnamed reality insider. "As well, the fallout from Grand Theft Auto IV is tough to navigate. Never mind the 9,000 years thing. People just lose interest."

Tormenta eléctrica en erupción del volcán Chaitén

GREEN ACRES

The horn of plenty blows sweet and low from inside the compound of Big Food.

Proving yet again that any global catastrophe can alchemy into corporate whopportunity (TM) , mega food & farming conglomerates are reaping bountiful profits thanks to the totally-unforeseen-and-not-at-all-manufactured food shortage that threatens to downsize 100 million carbon units into carbon particles by the end of this year.

After learning Mother Earth Hubbard spends 80% of her income on food, few corporations have the barleycorns to issue memo entitled "What up bitch? Where's the other 20%?" You know the old bone fetcher would only blow it at bingo.

Big Food saddles up to Big Oil and awaits a perfect storm of corporate wet dreamery. Grinding corn to fill the oil void sends prices for both punching through what's left of the ozone layer.

And they say there's no such thing as a sure thing.

MULTINATIONALS MAKE BILLIONS OUT OF GROWING FOOD CRISIS

NOTABLE QUOTES FROM THE APE ANGLERS OF BORNEO

"Many ape fish not know it not fish they after."

"Give ape fish, ape eat. Teach ape fish, ape freak out human."

"Bad day fish better bad day circus."

"Ape and fish same. Both get trouble when open mouth."

SWIMMING ORANGUTANS' SPEARFISHING EXPLOITS AMAZE WILDLIFE EXPERTS

MOMMY MAKEOVERS

Just in time for Mother's Day, a Florida plastic surgeon has published "My Beautiful Mommy", a self-help book for kids confused about Mom's new bazoongas.

With hundreds of thousands of women a year going under the knife, it's only fitting that their children (most of whom are the reasons behind the need for major nipping and tucking) receive some attention from the industry. After all, it's only a matter of time before the little dickens wake up and smell the imperfections themselves.

We here a Fleece Publishing applaud the effort and have immediately launched a series of publications to cash in... er... further this brave endeavor.


Of course, not all plastic surgeries are as successful as we are led to believe. What do the kids think when Mom comes home looking like a carp pressed under glass with a chest full of doorknobs?























Other grown ups in our children's lives may have their appearances altered by the wonders of modern medicine. How confused might they be when the gym teacher (who also teaches life skills) shows up with a new "package" courtesy of those helpful pop up ads and informative spam e-mails from Mexico?



















After witnessing some less than stellar results first hand, junior might need a little help overcoming his unfounded night frights. Why discuss first hand your child's confused feelings of horror and inadequacy when a helpful publication written by the plastic surgery industry will easily suffice?

MARS NEEDS MONKEYS!

50 years to the day the Soviets roasted Sputnik II on re-entry (along with Russian space pooch "Laika", the poker playing mongrel with the worst win/loss percentage this side of the Urals) Russia has pledged a one way trip to the red planet for some lucky monkey.

The announcement was delayed until the passing of Charlton Heston for obvious reasons.

Grueling tests are currently underway at the Sochi Institute of Medical Primatology, where a batch of macaques with the right monkey stuff have begun studying radiation exposure, prolonged weightlessness, isolation and zero gravity poop flinging.

At a press conference following the announcement, three swaggering cosmonkeys attempted to answer questions from the international press. Riding into a conference room on Russian space tricycles, the interplanetary primates immediately set upon CNN's Wolf Blitzer and began viciously preening his beard. This was followed by a shrieking match with CBS's Katie Couric. The conference was abandoned soon after further ruckus involving Anderson Cooper's papaya-scented face balm.

The Russian Mars Monkey program is to be partially underwritten by cosmo-cosmetics giant Revlon in return for confidential eye liner and lip gloss testing.

FRISCO COP SNUFFS OLYMPIC FLAMER

"Dammit Callaghan!"

"Look chief, when I see a crazed chinaman running through a crowd with a flame thrower, I'm not waiting around to see if he invites me to a weenie roast!"

"Dammit Callaghan! That was an Olympic torch runner! And we don't say 'chinaman' anymore! Didn't you get the memo?"

"I don't get memos chief. I get results"

"Dammit Callaghan!"

KILLER BEE KILLED

"I recognized my two selves: a crusading idealist and a cold, granitic believer in the law of the jungle" - Edgar Monsanto Queeny, Monsanto chairman, 1943-63

"Vikings and Bee Keepers, Vikings and Beeee Keepers..." - John Candy

My first wife used to pet bees with her fingertip. She pet bees! Have you ever hear a bee purr? It's annoying as hell.

I'd flop about the picnic blanket swelling three times my body mass for denying a vengeful swarm their god given right to cottage cheese. She'd scold me waiting for the ambulance, reminding that the little "fellers" were only stressed workers needing only a back rub and some Dino Martin. Salad tongs kept me from swallowing my tongue. I skipped south after honeycomb boxer shorts for Christmas.

Down in Rio I ran into biologist Warwick Kerr, the sunny side down egghead behind cross-pollinating pollinators. Mister Killer Bee himself, who once dumped a hive of mutant bees in the middle of Carnivale. Not the worst experiment ever, but near enough. The battle between mutating africanized bee queens and mutating Carnivale drag queens left Christ the Redeemer shrugging to this day.

Some 50 years later science delivers one to the bejewels. Behold Colony Collapse Disorder, or CCD. Much pantomime chin scratchery from the lab coats over bees bugging out.

The savvy investor sees not the bee's demeese, but nature outsourced. Laid off by the hives, in the droves. Freeing up natural capital.

Self-pollinating makes bees yesterday's buzz. Some think "self-pollinating? I stopped doing that in high school." Well then.

In richly modified heartland soil there is rye, canola and buckwheat capable of reproducing themselves. Do we or do we not respect the right to self-pollination? All those in favor raise an arm free from the pink stain of calamine.

It's against our interest not to extract honey from these combs. Is that not just the bee's knees? Is there not a market for bee's knees? For surely bees have no use for them.

FAITH AND BEGORRA - BASED INITIATIVES

A wee Leprechaun, Georgie his name,
thought mischief was surely a game.
He'd nip and pinch
every lass and wench
then hide so as not to take blame.

When the pot of gold was emptied,
from location undisclosed did he phone:
"We'll back the dollar
not with silver or gold,
but with my good name alone".

Mountains of paper,
printed green as can be.
"'Tis better than gold,
this currency.
Now fill this pot
with my scripted notes
and go buy a flat screen TV".

THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT HE'S GOTTA WEAR SHADES

What's a hundred and ten trillion between friends?

The difference between China's ledger sheet, in the black, and the USA's cooked books. Deep, deep in the red. I'd say redder than communist China, but...

Didn't Clinton leave office with a $600 billion surplus? What was his problem?

According to the CIA, even Iraq boasts nearly $8 trillion in walking around money. If someone could sit me down and explain how that works, I still wouldn't believe them.

Source: CIA World Factbook

HORMUZ SPEEDBOATS SOLVED: US NAVY TAUNTED BY MISTER MICROPHONE

WASHINGTON - The United States issued a stern warning to a boatload of teenagers following an incident near the Strait of Hormuz in which the pleasure craft "Pocket Fisherman" veered dangerously close to three navy warships.

"The Gulf of Oman is no place for vacationing teenagers and their new fangled radio gadgets", warned Vice Admiral Ronald J. Popeil of the 5th fleet. "The US Navy does not look favorably upon drunken fraternity hijinks. These numb skulls were seconds away from being diced, sliced and julian fried. It's just that simple."

According to Jane's Defence Weekly, Navy countermeasures against small watercraft include the "Cap Snaffler", the "Drain Buster", and the rumoured "Inside The Eggshell Scrambler".

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS!

THE TOP 25 CENSORED NEWS STORIES OF 2007

#1 Future of Internet Debate Ignored by Media
Internet you ignorant slut! Media might stop ignoring you if you liven things up a little. Try on these kinky bracelets. There, now have a lay down on this padded bench. Don’t worry, those straps are for your protection. The needles? Don’t worry about the needles.

#2 Halliburton Charged with Selling Nuclear Technologies to Iran
Get your facts straight list boy. They sold them nuculer technology.

#3 Oceans of the World in Extreme Danger
Didn’t Bill Curtis host that one on A&E already?

#4 Hunger and Homelessness Increasing in the US
What, you can’t rig a mini fridge in the trunk of your car? Not to worry. Uncle Sam has a plan - scroll down to #14.

#5 High-Tech Genocide in Congo
Stop confusing celebrities. Not done with low-tech genocide in Darfur yet.

#6 Federal Whistleblower Protection in Jeopardy
I'll take Corrupt Attorney Generals for five hundred, Alex

#7 US Operatives Torture Detainees to Death in Afghanistan and Iraq
Fell down a flight of... stacked detainees? Slipped on a bar of... stacked detainees?

#8 Pentagon Exempt from Freedom of Information Act
And just how did you come across that fact?

#9 The World Bank Funds Israel-Palestine Wall
Hey, Pink Floyd has to play somewhere.

#10 Expanded Air War in Iraq Kills More Civilians
Is there no end to this war on expanded air? Stop the insanity. What are we to fill our balloons with?

#11 Dangers of Genetically Modified Food Confirmed
I don't hear any genetically modified humans complaining.

#12 Pentagon Plans to Build New Landmines
Hello? The old ones keep blowing up.

#13 New Evidence Establishes Dangers of Roundup
Roundup, the popular weedkiller made by the Monsanto Corporation. They also produce genetically modified crops, which are immune to Roundup. So patriotic farmers using GM crops engineered by Monsanto don’t have to worry about pesticide engineered by Monsanto. Now do you understand? It’s so much easier if everyone just OBEYS.

#14 Homeland Security Contracts KBR to Build Detention Centers in the US
Hey relax everybody. The $385 million contingency contract awarded to Halliburton’s subsidiary KBR is for temporary detention and processing centers. Think Gitmo lite.

#15 Chemical Industry is EPA’s Primary Research Partner
It’s like the Surgeon General coming out with his own brand of cigarettes! Warning: I’d walk a mile - for me!

#16 Ecuador and Mexico Defy US on International Criminal Court
Et tu, Pablo?

#17 Iraq Invasion Promotes OPEC Agenda
Is that Britney Spears crazy or what?

#18 Physicist Challenges Official 9-11 Story
Can we all just agree that alien sasquatch lumberjacks brought down the World Trade Centre with challah knives and elbow grease?

#19 Destruction of Rainforests Worst Ever
Less rain = less seasonal affective disorder. Wait, that could actually hurt Big Pharma. Less forests = less children stalked by wolves on the way to grandma’s house.

#20 Bottled Water: A Global Environmental Problem
That’s why I drink my water the old fashioned way. Out of puddles.

#21 Gold Mining Threatens Ancient Andean Glaciers
Can’t we just use the gold to buy more glaciers?

#22 Billions in Homeland Security Spending Undisclosed
I think the receipts are in that file cabinet under Cheney’s collection of shrunken heads. Oh wait, those went up in the fire too.

#23 US Oil Targets Kyoto in Europe
Here’s where the US shines. Targeting things.

#24 Cheney’s Halliburton Stock Rose Over 3000% Last Year
That’s all well and good but projected profits were up around 6000%, so it’s really a virtual shortfall of 50%. Hopefully Dick can write off the losses or it’s cold beans over the sink by Easter.

#25 US Military in Paraguay Threatens Region
If the Paraguayan Senate granted me immunity from national and International Criminal Court jurisdiction, I’d be down there throwing my weight around too. Besides, the Bushies have to live somewhere after the next election.