THEY'LL GET HIM WITH THE EXPLODING COFFIN

It has come to my attention, through my Korean ESL student, that the cover of my potential book is arousing arousal within both the gay, and surprisingly, straight Korean crowd.

Or so says the retarded scrawl tied to a wooden clog and thrown into Mrs. Fleece's entryway. At first glance an island, in an ocean of winking diamonds known as the Bay of Window Pane. The Korean enjoys nautical themes.

Advantage Hintercloos, my challenging Dutch neighbour, whose social pulses produce threatening notes on the backs of his own cable bill statements. Delivery noted as urgent. Sir, you watch far too much hardcore pornography.

If the Scandahoovian's claim has legs, then to those of you strangely attracted to my potential book's cover: Jesus Harvey Christ! It's the gun, you brazilian-porn-surfing guttermops! Hard and oiled. The GUN. Failure to regularly clean and OIL your sidearm can result in misfire and off target placement. Misfire is worse, but off target placement usually ends with somebody changing their underwear.

And HARD. Harder than your busted bones after you fall on it. I once cracked two ribs landing on a holstered Glock 17, although it had the full silencer barrel extension attached, which is awkward. Fidel was lucky that day.