THE DUTCHMAN RUNNETH

SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO

"In a contest between a black hole and the Earth, Earth would lose. It's that simple." I've heard that line before, many times. Back in the day my roomy Van derKnockers would utter that phrase, usually slumped in a corner and high on shag carpeting fibers.

derKnockers whined constantly during our "school days" that his ingenious scheme for conquering the globe by universally liquidating all hope was not being taken seriously by the senior levels of "the college". He never got laid.

Alarmed by derKnockers' complicated blueprint for anarchy involving brainless mainstream media, rogue black hole theory and the nation's growing appetite for armageddon, the "faculty" attempted to "revoke his alumni status".

To no avail. Tipped by a snivelling underling, my old "college chum" turned potential liquidator of all hope escaped through an "unlocked alleyway". But who tipped the tipper? The sniveller was later found headless under a windmill in the outskirts of Assen, Holland.

Many presidential administrations later, it all begins to make sense.

While practicing my adhoc cover manifesto of self-flagellation and daytime television, I watched in horror as ABC news (using as much of the alphabet as they can) promoted phase one of derKnocker's nefarious plan.

Reporting that a legion of rogue black holes are lurking near the home planet, ready to suck us all in to a vortex of darkened cosmic doom, is potentially the greatest worldwide destabilizer since Y2K. It trumps everything, even the Paris Hilton CD.

The nation has little to defend itself with against this assault on the collective psyche, save for intelligence, skepticism and reason. Not nearly enough. There is little doubt that I must capture and interrogate the Dutchman Hintercloos, for certainly his eight grubby prints are all over this.

The brainwash airs this week. If I can't stop it I can at least fortify the compound and wait out the coming riots. In the smoldering aftermath I'll draw up plans to block the next stage of derKnockers' scheme, likely a planted expose on the rise of subterranean mole people. There has to be more than one network in derKnockers' pocket. Cursed ABC news. This never would have happened under Jennings' watch.

The Dutchman, Van derKnockers, Holland... there must be a connection. I'll assign Hai Yoo, my obedient Korean ESL student, to research recent pacts between Dutchland and Holland.