MANKIND SAVED BY LETHARGY

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see his ass.

Last night the rapture raptors at ABC - the Armageddon Broadcasting Company - nearly pulled it off. In league with the nefarious Van derKnockers agenda to instill global panic by liquidating all hope, they aired "Last Days on Earth", a brine swill concoction of black hole suckage, supervolcanic cookage and asteroidial suffering.

This morning Earth was still intact and the only thing fractured was the viewing audience. Thank god for today's disinterested youth. derKnockers neglected to factor in what the good people at Nielson have known for years: only feeble and homeridden seniors watch 20/20.

Too overweight, unhealthy and frightened to go out, the frail demographic sat clucking their tongues and pining for Hugh Downs. Nowhere near the riotous fervor envisioned by derKnockers and his media-illiterate cronies. The window smashers were too busy raving up the last days of summer and shoplifting school supplies at Target to kick off societal meltdown.

So aside from a few AARP members stroking out while trying to open stuck windows to yell "I'm as mad as hell, etc.", life's rich pageant marches on.

I can't say for certain that is the case for Hai Yoo, my trusted Korean ESL student. He is nowhere to be found and the compound looks to have been tossed by a pro. All fingers point to Hintercloos, the thumbless Dutchman. Time to cowboy up and John Wayne it over to the gripless one's lair. Speed is the key, and cunning. Perhaps an artful diversion involving pannekoek, a Dutch maiden's costume and an anvil?