Friday, October 27, 2006


Overwhelming feedback from my last post regarding the current president's nostalgic pangs for Peanutty Koogle. Sarah at the NuTang Institute, which evidently promotes the resurgence of the Apollo Space Program's stalwart vitamin C delivery system, writes:

Chocolate and peanut in a spread?!
I can see why he likes it!

Oh it was a tasty treat alright. Designed during the glory years of "The Project for a New American Sandwich Spread", or "P-NASS", a corporate think tank weary of a robust, politically aware post-war citizenry ingesting fresh and nutritious foodstuffs. There were many other petroleum byproducts engineered into lovable snack digestible, although only one survives in it's original molecular build.

Cheez Whiz, which should be known more for the alarming namesake medical condition it precipitates rather than it's own consumable property, was a marketing phenomenon. It's murky origins have long been the stuff of dark rumour and stand up comedy, and tales of it's reverse-engineered origins following the Roswell incident are constantly denied by both P-NASS and the FDA.

In his autobiography "It's Soylent Yellow, People" Chick Daney, R&D team leader at the Kraft skunkworks facility at LaBrea, California, described the moment Cheez Whiz was green lit as a viable substitute for nutrition:

"All the suits from The Project for a New American Sandwich Spread were breathing down our necks for a final polymer build that they could take to market. My team was pretty sure we had a winner as a heat shield fastener for the proposed shuttle program, but flavor testing was coming back negative. Running out of time, we went next door to where Marlboro was testing it's latest menthol line and grabbed a sample group. It turned out they had negatively impacted salivary glands as well as concave taste buds, and over half the group committed suicide not long after trials. We passed the Whiz around on wax paper squares. Out of the 75 tested, 94% stated without equivocation that, and this was completely un-coached, the Whiz "tasted like P-NASS". Or at least that's how we wrote it up. The suits from the Project creamed themselves over that one, saw it as a sign from Jesus or something, and ran with it."

Cheez Whiz changed a) the way Americans thought about food, and b) the way other people thought about Americans. Koogle essentially followed the same marketing plan but never came close to dethroning the Whiz. Other challengers included the now infamous "Shitzel", the Marshall Plan-ending West German "SchadenFood" (sold as "Die Jest" outside Europe), and the gastrocidal Hungarian curdfest "Wheya Dareya".

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