DUPE TO NUTS

I have got to get the latch fixed on my sensory deprivation tank. Three weeks on an unsteady diet of peyote and salt water gives you far too clear a mind for this crazy world. Hai Yoo, my hearing -challenged Korean ESL student, finally opened the hatch only because he thought the spin cycle was done on the whites. He wasn't far wrong. The upside is I lost 25 pounds and learned Mandarin, which will be the only language spoken in 2070. Trust me, the sunsets then are something else.

Speaking of altered states, less than two weeks until the midterm elections and Bush is talking about how he likes "the google" on "the internets". He's watching over you, America. Sitting upstairs above eleventy billion dollars in real-time infra-red fart-catching satellite-snoop technology, the most powerful man in the world is watching you on a 300 dollar Dell using public beta software.

Fact is W doesn't like the basement and only runs down & back quickly when he wants a popsicle from the freezer next to Cheney's collection of shrunken heads. Ashcroft used to kill the lights when W hit the bottom step going down. High-larious.

He only discovered Google because it reminded him of "Koogle", as in "Peanutty Koogle with the Koo Koo Koogly Eyes", his favourite Kraft processed peanut & chocolate spread during the years avoiding duty in the Guard. Reef up a jay and knock back a jar. There's worse ways to spend a war.

Bush switched from real peanuts to processed after surviving too many near death choking incidents. Lack of oxygen to the brain during these episodes is the main culprit behind most of the nation's current woes, so you can quit blaming Karl Rove. Most Republicans have trouble with the lowly peanut, and now you know why Carter beat Ford in '76.

Here's another little known: W fills his pants at the sight of the Planters mascot, that smiley franken-legume with the top hat and monocle. Years back when W was at Yale, Saddam Hussein showed up at a Skull & Bones Halloween bash dressed as "Mr. Peanut". Apparently revenge is a dish best served at the cost of $9 Billion per month.

Found a peanut, found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now,
Just now I found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now.

Cracked it open, cracked it open,
Cracked it open just now,
Just now I cracked it open,
Cracked it open just now.

It was rotten, it was rotten,
It was rotten just now,
Just now it was rotten,
It was rotten just now.