NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS!

THE TOP 25 CENSORED NEWS STORIES OF 2007

#1 Future of Internet Debate Ignored by Media
Internet you ignorant slut! Media might stop ignoring you if you liven things up a little. Try on these kinky bracelets. There, now have a lay down on this padded bench. Don’t worry, those straps are for your protection. The needles? Don’t worry about the needles.

#2 Halliburton Charged with Selling Nuclear Technologies to Iran
Get your facts straight list boy. They sold them nuculer technology.

#3 Oceans of the World in Extreme Danger
Didn’t Bill Curtis host that one on A&E already?

#4 Hunger and Homelessness Increasing in the US
What, you can’t rig a mini fridge in the trunk of your car? Not to worry. Uncle Sam has a plan - scroll down to #14.

#5 High-Tech Genocide in Congo
Stop confusing celebrities. Not done with low-tech genocide in Darfur yet.

#6 Federal Whistleblower Protection in Jeopardy
I'll take Corrupt Attorney Generals for five hundred, Alex

#7 US Operatives Torture Detainees to Death in Afghanistan and Iraq
Fell down a flight of... stacked detainees? Slipped on a bar of... stacked detainees?

#8 Pentagon Exempt from Freedom of Information Act
And just how did you come across that fact?

#9 The World Bank Funds Israel-Palestine Wall
Hey, Pink Floyd has to play somewhere.

#10 Expanded Air War in Iraq Kills More Civilians
Is there no end to this war on expanded air? Stop the insanity. What are we to fill our balloons with?

#11 Dangers of Genetically Modified Food Confirmed
I don't hear any genetically modified humans complaining.

#12 Pentagon Plans to Build New Landmines
Hello? The old ones keep blowing up.

#13 New Evidence Establishes Dangers of Roundup
Roundup, the popular weedkiller made by the Monsanto Corporation. They also produce genetically modified crops, which are immune to Roundup. So patriotic farmers using GM crops engineered by Monsanto don’t have to worry about pesticide engineered by Monsanto. Now do you understand? It’s so much easier if everyone just OBEYS.

#14 Homeland Security Contracts KBR to Build Detention Centers in the US
Hey relax everybody. The $385 million contingency contract awarded to Halliburton’s subsidiary KBR is for temporary detention and processing centers. Think Gitmo lite.

#15 Chemical Industry is EPA’s Primary Research Partner
It’s like the Surgeon General coming out with his own brand of cigarettes! Warning: I’d walk a mile - for me!

#16 Ecuador and Mexico Defy US on International Criminal Court
Et tu, Pablo?

#17 Iraq Invasion Promotes OPEC Agenda
Is that Britney Spears crazy or what?

#18 Physicist Challenges Official 9-11 Story
Can we all just agree that alien sasquatch lumberjacks brought down the World Trade Centre with challah knives and elbow grease?

#19 Destruction of Rainforests Worst Ever
Less rain = less seasonal affective disorder. Wait, that could actually hurt Big Pharma. Less forests = less children stalked by wolves on the way to grandma’s house.

#20 Bottled Water: A Global Environmental Problem
That’s why I drink my water the old fashioned way. Out of puddles.

#21 Gold Mining Threatens Ancient Andean Glaciers
Can’t we just use the gold to buy more glaciers?

#22 Billions in Homeland Security Spending Undisclosed
I think the receipts are in that file cabinet under Cheney’s collection of shrunken heads. Oh wait, those went up in the fire too.

#23 US Oil Targets Kyoto in Europe
Here’s where the US shines. Targeting things.

#24 Cheney’s Halliburton Stock Rose Over 3000% Last Year
That’s all well and good but projected profits were up around 6000%, so it’s really a virtual shortfall of 50%. Hopefully Dick can write off the losses or it’s cold beans over the sink by Easter.

#25 US Military in Paraguay Threatens Region
If the Paraguayan Senate granted me immunity from national and International Criminal Court jurisdiction, I’d be down there throwing my weight around too. Besides, the Bushies have to live somewhere after the next election.