WARREN FLEECE

GOD CREATES MORON

2009-09-12T14:36:00.001-07:00

REJECTED REPUBLICAN SPIN AFTER JOE WILSON (R-SC) SHOUTED “YOU LIE” AT PRESIDENT OBAMA DURING RECENT JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS:

-Overwhelmed by his respect for the President, Joe actually attempted to sing “You Light Up My Life” but realized very early into the chorus that this was neither the time nor the place. You’ve got give this fine statesman credit for sparing the nation any rendition of what can only be described as a horrible song.

-Joe was trying to get down with a brother and yelled “Ya-ight!”. That’s sort of a street-slang approval thing to say among the colored, isn’t it? Anyways, once again the minority-hating liberal media gets it wrong.

-It’s a well known fact that Joe suffers from Tourette Syndrome. I suppose now the Democrats will want to force all victims of this condition to face a legislative death panel in order to protect the delicate ears of goat-marrying communists, etc.

-For the love of God this was only days before the anniversary of 9/11!

TRICK OR TREAT

2008-10-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

ANSWER: MORE WINKY WINKY!

2008-10-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

THE MILK OF HUMAN WEIRDNESS

2008-10-01T08:44:00.001-07:00

This is embarrassing. For five months now I've been inadvertently sending blog updates to the "tips and tricks" forum of a magazine targeting new mothers.

So much for posting via email.

I guess the internets are truly a series of tubes, as the ones leading back to my compound are inexplicably clogged with a frothy white marinade. Running a T connection to my espresso machine has alleviated the impediment to a degree, although experiencing connection speeds below 56k after 37 shots of Macchiato is not for the faint of heart.

This would have continued ad infinitum if not for an email from the publishers notifying me that I'd won the grand prize in their "most prolific poster" competition.

Behold the puzzled owner of a USB-ready double breast pump. While not expecting any time soon, it does the job drying large cuts of venison after the smoke house burned down.

We now return to regular posting, already in progress.

DON'T TASE ME JEEBUS!

2008-05-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

After spending 9,000 years in a dormant state, Americans are finally waking up to the injustices that their own government...

Hold on a sec.

After spending 9,000 years in a dormant state, the Chaiten Volcano in southern Chile finally erupted last week with a long overdue release of lava and ash plumes reaching across South America.

Even with ash clouds 17 kilometres high merging with lightning-infested thunderstorms, legions of normally awe struck bystanders and fleeing villagers have joined together to declare "FAKE!"

If a show like this doesn't fill seats - and pants - what does that say about today's reality goer?

"It's just hard luck this hellish chasm opened against Iron Man" declared an unnamed reality insider. "As well, the fallout from Grand Theft Auto IV is tough to navigate. Never mind the 9,000 years thing. People just lose interest."

Tormenta eléctrica en erupción del volcán Chaitén

GREEN ACRES

2008-05-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

The horn of plenty blows sweet and low from inside the compound of Big Food.

Proving yet again that any global catastrophe can alchemy into corporate whopportunity (TM) , mega food & farming conglomerates are reaping bountiful profits thanks to the totally-unforeseen-and-not-at-all-manufactured food shortage that threatens to downsize 100 million carbon units into carbon particles by the end of this year.

After learning Mother ~~Earth~~ Hubbard spends 80% of her income on food, few corporations have the barleycorns to issue memo entitled "What up bitch? Where's the other 20%?" You know the old bone fetcher would only blow it at bingo.

Big Food saddles up to Big Oil and awaits a perfect storm of corporate wet dreamery. Grinding corn to fill the oil void sends prices for both punching through what's left of the ozone layer.

And they say there's no such thing as a sure thing.

MULTINATIONALS MAKE BILLIONS OUT OF GROWING FOOD CRISIS

NOTABLE QUOTES FROM THE APE ANGLERS OF BORNEO

2008-04-29T09:47:00.000-07:00

"Many ape fish not know it not fish they after."

"Give ape fish, ape eat. Teach ape fish, ape freak out human."

"Bad day fish better bad day circus."

"Ape and fish same. Both get trouble when open mouth."

SWIMMING ORANGUTANS' SPEARFISHING EXPLOITS AMAZE WILDLIFE EXPERTS

MOMMY MAKEOVERS

2008-04-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

Just in time for Mother's Day, a Florida plastic surgeon has published "My Beautiful Mommy", a self-help book for kids confused about Mom's new bazoongas.

With hundreds of thousands of women a year going under the knife, it's only fitting that their children (most of whom are the reasons behind the need for major nipping and tucking) receive some attention from the industry. After all, it's only a matter of time before the little dickens wake up and smell the imperfections themselves.

We here a Fleece Publishing applaud the effort and have immediately launched a series of publications to cash in... er... further this brave endeavor.

Of course, not all plastic surgeries are as successful as we are led to believe. What do the kids think when Mom comes home looking like a carp pressed under glass with a chest full of doorknobs?

Other grown ups in our children's lives may have their appearances altered by the wonders of modern medicine. How confused might they be when the gym teacher (who also teaches life skills) shows up with a new "package" courtesy of those helpful pop up ads and informative spam e-mails from Mexico?

After witnessing some less than stellar results first hand, junior might need a little help overcoming his unfounded night frights. Why discuss first hand your child's confused feelings of horror and inadequacy when a helpful publication written by the plastic surgery industry will easily suffice?

MARS NEEDS MONKEYS!

2008-04-14T22:22:00.001-07:00

50 years to the day the Soviets roasted Sputnik II on re-entry (along with Russian space pooch "Laika", the poker playing mongrel with the worst win/loss percentage this side of the Urals) Russia has pledged a one way trip to the red planet for some lucky monkey.

The announcement was delayed until the passing of Charlton Heston for obvious reasons.

Grueling tests are currently underway at the Sochi Institute of Medical Primatology, where a batch of macaques with the right monkey stuff have begun studying radiation exposure, prolonged weightlessness, isolation and zero gravity poop flinging.

At a press conference following the announcement, three swaggering cosmonkeys attempted to answer questions from the international press. Riding into a conference room on Russian space tricycles, the interplanetary primates immediately set upon CNN's Wolf Blitzer and began viciously preening his beard. This was followed by a shrieking match with CBS's Katie Couric. The conference was abandoned soon after further ruckus involving Anderson Cooper's papaya-scented face balm.

The Russian Mars Monkey program is to be partially underwritten by cosmo-cosmetics giant Revlon in return for confidential eye liner and lip gloss testing.

FRISCO COP SNUFFS OLYMPIC FLAMER

2008-04-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

"Dammit Callaghan!"

"Look chief, when I see a crazed chinaman running through a crowd with a flame thrower, I'm not waiting around to see if he invites me to a weenie roast!"

"Dammit Callaghan! That was an Olympic torch runner! And we don't say 'chinaman' anymore! Didn't you get the memo?"

"I don't get memos chief. I get results"

"Dammit Callaghan!"

KILLER BEE KILLED

2008-03-31T23:06:00.000-07:00

"I recognized my two selves: a crusading idealist and a cold, granitic believer in the law of the jungle" - Edgar Monsanto Queeny, Monsanto chairman, 1943-63

"Vikings and Bee Keepers, Vikings and Beeee Keepers..." - John Candy

My first wife used to pet bees with her fingertip. She pet bees! Have you ever hear a bee purr? It's annoying as hell.

I'd flop about the picnic blanket swelling three times my body mass for denying a vengeful swarm their god given right to cottage cheese. She'd scold me waiting for the ambulance, reminding that the little "fellers" were only stressed workers needing only a back rub and some Dino Martin. Salad tongs kept me from swallowing my tongue. I skipped south after honeycomb boxer shorts for Christmas.

Down in Rio I ran into biologist Warwick Kerr, the sunny side down egghead behind cross-pollinating pollinators. Mister Killer Bee himself, who once dumped a hive of mutant bees in the middle of Carnivale. Not the worst experiment ever, but near enough. The battle between mutating africanized bee queens and mutating Carnivale drag queens left Christ the Redeemer shrugging to this day.

Some 50 years later science delivers one to the bejewels. Behold Colony Collapse Disorder, or CCD. Much pantomime chin scratchery from the lab coats over bees bugging out.

The savvy investor sees not the bee's demeese, but nature outsourced. Laid off by the hives, in the droves. Freeing up natural capital.

Self-pollinating makes bees yesterday's buzz. Some think "self-pollinating? I stopped doing that in high school." Well then.

In richly modified heartland soil there is rye, canola and buckwheat capable of reproducing themselves. Do we or do we not respect the right to self-pollination? All those in favor raise an arm free from the pink stain of calamine.

It's against our interest not to extract honey from these combs. Is that not just the bee's knees? Is there not a market for bee's knees? For surely bees have no use for them.

FAITH AND BEGORRA - BASED INITIATIVES

2008-03-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

A wee Leprechaun, Georgie his name,
thought mischief was surely a game.
He'd nip and pinch
every lass and wench
then hide so as not to take blame.

When the pot of gold was emptied,
from location undisclosed did he phone:
"We'll back the dollar
not with silver or gold,
but with my good name alone".

Mountains of paper,
printed green as can be.
"'Tis better than gold,
this currency.
Now fill this pot
with my scripted notes
and go buy a flat screen TV".

THE FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT HE'S GOTTA WEAR SHADES

2008-03-02T22:06:00.000-08:00

What's a hundred and ten trillion between friends?

The difference between China's ledger sheet, in the black, and the USA's cooked books. Deep, deep in the red. I'd say redder than communist China, but...

Didn't Clinton leave office with a $600 billion surplus? What was his problem?

According to the CIA, even Iraq boasts nearly $8 trillion in walking around money. If someone could sit me down and explain how that works, I still wouldn't believe them.

Source: CIA World Factbook

HORMUZ SPEEDBOATS SOLVED: US NAVY TAUNTED BY MISTER MICROPHONE

2008-01-14T21:54:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON - The United States issued a stern warning to a boatload of teenagers following an incident near the Strait of Hormuz in which the pleasure craft "Pocket Fisherman" veered dangerously close to three navy warships.

"The Gulf of Oman is no place for vacationing teenagers and their new fangled radio gadgets", warned Vice Admiral Ronald J. Popeil of the 5th fleet. "The US Navy does not look favorably upon drunken fraternity hijinks. These numb skulls were seconds away from being diced, sliced and julian fried. It's just that simple."

According to Jane's Defence Weekly, Navy countermeasures against small watercraft include the "Cap Snaffler", the "Drain Buster", and the rumoured "Inside The Eggshell Scrambler".

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS!

2008-01-05T10:16:00.000-08:00

THE TOP 25 CENSORED NEWS STORIES OF 2007

#1 Future of Internet Debate Ignored by Media
Internet you ignorant slut! Media might stop ignoring you if you liven things up a little. Try on these kinky bracelets. There, now have a lay down on this padded bench. Don’t worry, those straps are for your protection. The needles? Don’t worry about the needles.

#2 Halliburton Charged with Selling Nuclear Technologies to Iran
Get your facts straight list boy. They sold them nuculer technology.

#3 Oceans of the World in Extreme Danger
Didn’t Bill Curtis host that one on A&E already?

#4 Hunger and Homelessness Increasing in the US
What, you can’t rig a mini fridge in the trunk of your car? Not to worry. Uncle Sam has a plan - scroll down to #14.

#5 High-Tech Genocide in Congo
Stop confusing celebrities. Not done with low-tech genocide in Darfur yet.

#6 Federal Whistleblower Protection in Jeopardy
I'll take Corrupt Attorney Generals for five hundred, Alex

#7 US Operatives Torture Detainees to Death in Afghanistan and Iraq
Fell down a flight of... stacked detainees? Slipped on a bar of... stacked detainees?

#8 Pentagon Exempt from Freedom of Information Act
And just how did you come across that fact?

#9 The World Bank Funds Israel-Palestine Wall
Hey, Pink Floyd has to play somewhere.

#10 Expanded Air War in Iraq Kills More Civilians
Is there no end to this war on expanded air? Stop the insanity. What are we to fill our balloons with?

#11 Dangers of Genetically Modified Food Confirmed
I don't hear any genetically modified humans complaining.

#12 Pentagon Plans to Build New Landmines
Hello? The old ones keep blowing up.

#13 New Evidence Establishes Dangers of Roundup
Roundup, the popular weedkiller made by the Monsanto Corporation. They also produce genetically modified crops, which are immune to Roundup. So patriotic farmers using GM crops engineered by Monsanto don’t have to worry about pesticide engineered by Monsanto. Now do you understand? It’s so much easier if everyone just OBEYS.

#14 Homeland Security Contracts KBR to Build Detention Centers in the US
Hey relax everybody. The $385 million contingency contract awarded to Halliburton’s subsidiary KBR is for temporary detention and processing centers. Think Gitmo lite.

#15 Chemical Industry is EPA’s Primary Research Partner
It’s like the Surgeon General coming out with his own brand of cigarettes! Warning: I’d walk a mile - for me!

#16 Ecuador and Mexico Defy US on International Criminal Court
Et tu, Pablo?

#17 Iraq Invasion Promotes OPEC Agenda
Is that Britney Spears crazy or what?

#18 Physicist Challenges Official 9-11 Story
Can we all just agree that alien sasquatch lumberjacks brought down the World Trade Centre with challah knives and elbow grease?

#19 Destruction of Rainforests Worst Ever
Less rain = less seasonal affective disorder. Wait, that could actually hurt Big Pharma. Less forests = less children stalked by wolves on the way to grandma’s house.

#20 Bottled Water: A Global Environmental Problem
That’s why I drink my water the old fashioned way. Out of puddles.

#21 Gold Mining Threatens Ancient Andean Glaciers
Can’t we just use the gold to buy more glaciers?

#22 Billions in Homeland Security Spending Undisclosed
I think the receipts are in that file cabinet under Cheney’s collection of shrunken heads. Oh wait, those went up in the fire too.

#23 US Oil Targets Kyoto in Europe
Here’s where the US shines. Targeting things.

#24 Cheney’s Halliburton Stock Rose Over 3000% Last Year
That’s all well and good but projected profits were up around 6000%, so it’s really a virtual shortfall of 50%. Hopefully Dick can write off the losses or it’s cold beans over the sink by Easter.

#25 US Military in Paraguay Threatens Region
If the Paraguayan Senate granted me immunity from national and International Criminal Court jurisdiction, I’d be down there throwing my weight around too. Besides, the Bushies have to live somewhere after the next election.

IT'S STILL A WONDERFUL IDEA

2007-12-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

Alright, so this is the same pic I ran last year. After sitting through countless seasons of Wahoo Doray, I have seen the light. My plan is to cash in like Schultz and the Seussman. Sit back and watch the resids roll in until I'm a shell of my former creative self, out of ideas and void of any personal integrity. Workin' on it.

I'll run this pic well into GeeDub's fourth, fifth, eleventh term in office. I'll run it until a doddering old man with wings drops from the sky and flings the corrupt bastard off a snowy bridge into the icy karmic current.

Sadly the Bedford Falls bridge has a better chance of collapsing from neglect than it does becoming a new platform for American justice. Bushie Banditos have ransacked the treasury so there's not even money left for gaffer tape. Word is of a plan to borrow more money from China to hire Mexicans to hold up America's bridges bare handed. These days it sound plausible, doesn't it? Good luck finding Americans willing to hold up their own bridges.

BLAST FROM CHRISTMAS PAST

2007-12-18T21:15:00.000-08:00

Hey China! Who's the bloated lackey of the capitalist toy mongers now?

Back then it was "eat death, Santa". Now it's "eat hot lead paint, kids!"

COVER: NATIONAL LAMPOON DECEMBER 1970

VANCOUVER UNVEILS 2010 OLYMPIC MASCOTS

2007-12-01T16:16:00.001-08:00

HOW 'ARD, CAN IT BE?

2007-11-24T12:20:00.001-08:00

AND NOW A WORD FROM FORMER AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER JOHN HOWARD

Bladdy ell. Afta a leavin' bladdy yees, this is the thinks aye bladdy git?

Sayventeen bladdy yeas egganomic greyth dan the bladdy shiteroo mate. Waydle they bladdy well see the Layba Paddy's fiscal palsy stand at lake a bladdy shag on a rack.

Dent remind me mate, bladdy Eye Rack. An bladdy George bladdy Bush. Tike a guess ooze necks mate. Too bladdy rights.

LET'S PLAY "DEFINITION"

2007-11-11T10:54:00.001-08:00

National Intelligence Deputy Director Donald Kerr claims the time is right to privatize privacy.

Testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Kerr suggested that privacy can no longer mean anonymity. It could instead be defined as "government and private enterprise properly safeguarding people's private communications and financial information".

The Senate Committee then adjourned to determine a new definition for the phrase "properly safeguarding".

I'd like to throw a rider or two on the ass end of that one as well, Mr. Kerr.

If we could also change the definition of "monogamy" it would go a long way to getting me out of trouble with the wife. As well, the phrase "past due" and the word "summons" need a slight tweak, as do "contractual" and "obligation".

AP: DEFINITION CHANGING FOR PEOPLE'S PRIVACY

LET THE BEAVER SOAR

2007-11-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

As foreseen by Canadian economist Pamela Anderson in the seminal film "Barb Wire", the Canadian Dollar is fast dominating the flaccid US greenback, or "Freedom Peso".

As of this posting the Canuck buck has jumped to $1.07 US, prompting concerned hosers to call for a great wall to be constructed along the 49th parallel. The massive undertaking could provide jobs for American economic refugees looking north for employment. Canada's population, a mere 10% of the United States, cannot possibly support a domestic servant ratio of 10-1. Canadians also have fewer pools to clean and almost no oranges to pick, although US labour exporters are upbeat that global warming could soon increase those numbers.

Currency experts warn the rally could be short lived if Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper carries out his plans to invade Yemen, borrow five trillion dollars from China and outlaw the off switch on all electronics.

ONE OF OUR BILLIONAIRES IS MISSING

2007-09-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

Why must the financially challenged always get in the way of the incredibly wealthy?

The search for stinking rich adventurer Steve Fossett's downed experimental aircraft has only turned up wreckage of planes belonging to missing fliers with far less impressive bank accounts.

The fabulously, stupidly rich Fossett had survived a 30,000 foot plunge in a crippled hot air balloon, icy temperatures in a swim across the English Channel and hours alone in shark infested waters. Plus he was filthy, dirty, nasty rich.

And so by rights of being able to farmer-hankey a nasty nose-full of nasal grease into a 10 gallon bucket tight with thousand dollar bills, Steve Fossett and his wreckage demand swift recovery. Instead searchers turn up what's left of some businessman who Tanquerayed it into a mountain flying to Reno during a shitty 1964 divorce.

Searchers believe they've found a half dozen more martini fly-boys scattered out there, no doubt mortgage payers all. An estimated two-hundred more of these cashless crashers litter the Sierra Nevada. None combined earn a line jump past Steve Fossett's billions. The man could pay for over a month of Iraq war, body armour included.

The unbridled audacity. Imagine a young, beautiful girl with straight teeth and curly, blonde hair gets kidnapped. An outraged community bands together and sweeps the neighbourhood, but rescues only a handful of homely and overweight girls with braces and bad skin.

You think Larry King gives a suspender snap? If you ain't got the golden wings then stay out of the golden eagles' flight corridor.

CNN Search for Fossett

LIKE A REICH

2007-09-12T10:56:00.001-07:00

German troops pose with a General Motors / Opel "Blitz",
the three-ton truck that nearly saved Nazi Europe.

This fall the 15+ hour "The War" airs on PBS. No doubt many an untold story will finally be told from the war after the war to end all wars. It's big and expensive, just like real war. It's also underwritten by General Motors. Again, just like real war.

In 1938 James D. Mooney, GM's head of overseas operations, received the German Eagle with Cross, the highest medal Hitler awarded to foreign commercial collaborators and supporters. Why? Because of a little truck that could... help subjugate Europe.

GM's European subsidiary, Opel, provided Hitler's war machine with a fantastically sturdy three-ton truck, the Opel "Blitz". As in "Blitzkrieg".

Der Fuhrer thought der Blitz was one terrific truck. He drove it all over Europe. Off-roading through Poland, France, Russia... it wasn't Ford tough, but it was Nazi tough. Sadly, at the end of World War 2 most of the Opel plants in Germany were destroyed by allied bombing. Luckily for inconvenienced GM shareholders the company was paid $32 million by the U.S. government for damages sustained to its German plants.

Haliburton, kneel to thy master.

WASHINGTON POST FORD & GM ALLEGED NAZI COLLABORATION
JERUSALEM POST HITLER'S CARMAKER
SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE NAZIS RODE TO WAR ON GM WHEELS

BUSH BOMBS (at) SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE

2007-09-07T10:56:00.001-07:00

King Leopold, er, President Bush today praised Austrian troops in Iraq during a keynote speech to OPEC nations in Sydney, Australia.

And when the day comes that Austria deploys soldiers to the Gulf and the US and Australia join OPEC this could go down as a pretty good speech.

Until then chalk up another verbal cluster fuck by the Maestro of Malaprop. Bush was followed by Aussie PM John Howard after emcee Paul Hogan declared "...that's not a statesman. Now THIS is a statesman."

To add near injury to insult, W almost fell into the orchestra pit leaving the lectern. The world was saved the horrific imagery of the Commander in Grief's legs flailing from within a giant Tex Avery tuba. Now that would have been embarrassing.

YAHOO NEWS: Bush has bad day at Sydney Opera House

BLESS THE WORLD PRESS

2007-07-28T00:07:00.001-07:00

NOT-SO-SECRET SQUIRRELS

2007-07-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

Iranians arrest 14 squirrels for spying
"Iranian intelligence operatives recently detained over a dozen squirrels found within the nation's borders, claiming the rodents were serving as spies for Western powers determined to undermine the Islamic Republic."

Half a year's undercover work blown! Months of intense training down the drain. Just after I was able to transform a frantic and indecisive baker's dozen plus of layabout junkie squirrels into a crack covert strike group - disaster strikes inside the borders of Iran.

Captured squirrel to Iranian interrogators: NUTS!

Now the finger pointing starts. Who ratted us out? Was it the Brits? Could the once-healthy rivalry between our Covert Squirrel Squad and the Queen's own Band of Basra Badgers have ended with such treachery? Doubtful. Betrayal this deep usually comes from within.

IN HAPPIER TIMES: Rehabilitated junkie squirrel #000 consults with deep cover op "Morocco Mole", or "MM", who is now suspected of a treasonous double cross during OPERATION PERSIAN PEANUT

Iranian strongman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad better watch his nuts! There's plenty of patriotic rodentia in the mighty Fleece forest.

LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD SCIURIDAE!
In light of this recent setback, the top secret Fleece training facility in Cascadia is again taking applications for any shade-tails interested in foreign service. Calling all able bodied and patriotic tree squirrels, ground squirrels, chipmunks and marmots (please, no woodchucks). Flying squirrels fluent in middle eastern dialects given top priority, sexual preferences not withstanding.

INTENSIVE SECRET SQUIRREL TRAINING FACILITY
Fleece Compound - Spring 2007

IMPERIAL PANIC ATTACK

2007-06-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

COP A BANANA

2007-03-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

If Chiquita had supported the correct paramilitary groups, they'd be getting tax breaks instead of court dates.

WASHINGTON - Banana company Chiquita Brands International said Wednesday it has agreed to a $25 million fine after admitting it paid terrorists for protection in a volatile farming region of Colombia.

The settlement resolves a lengthy Justice Department investigation into the company's financial dealings with right-wing paramilitaries and leftist rebels the U.S. government deems terrorist groups.

NICE F***ING GRAPHIC, NBC

2007-02-03T08:41:00.000-08:00

Oh no they don't.

They are not pinning this one on ME.

DISINFORMATION JUST IN

2007-02-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

Just when things are looking bleak in your world, opportunity knocks like a cheap Japanese four-banger packed with sumo.

As I'm pondering which treasure within the Fleece compound to barter away for new wheels (damned car-jacking junkie squirrels), along comes a money shot to the arm through the old 56k morse modem.

It's a welcome heads up from my old Chilean bunker mate J. Bob "Oil Can" Harry at the American Enterprise Institute, an old-school conservative drunk tank dedicated to preserving and strengthening the foundations of kicking left wing ass. J. Bob tips me that they're offering ten grand to anyone remotely connected with science or economics to undermine a major climate change report published today.

Now I've used enough science to wreck enough economies to declare this one "manna from heaven". Well, maybe a little lower. Easy green none the less.

How do I smear the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change? Let me count the ways. First, the IPCC... IPCC? Yes, I see see you pee. The front of your pants are stained yellower than a jaundiced commie coward hiding in the dandelions. What are you so scared about, ladies? Own some beach front?

See, it's just that easy.

Oh the ice melting irony. That an ExxonMobil-funded shill mill like the AEI is gonna cut me a check to buy another vehicle thirsty for sweet, bubbling dino-juice. Ha koona ma kaka. It's the circle of strife.

Get in on it, Fleecekiteers. There's plenty of ink spilling polar bear lovers out there begging for a totalitarian smackdown. It's easier than driving flatbed through Fallujah. And as per the norm, big bonus if you can pull Al Gore down into the muck.

NO LEGUME TO MANEUVER

2007-02-01T21:45:00.000-08:00

In the jungle you take plastic or you take one in the ear.

Working for The Company we had "Card Blanch" for any and all expenses. Agent Blanchard would show up with a Bolivian man-purse spilling enough bogus credit cards to float an emirate.

Once we backed a South American coup with Diner's Club. It all started with an argument about banana futures over tiny umbrellas outside Neuva Loja at Traitor Vic's. Vic used the exact same mints in the urinals as he gave out with the check. It was all Dole! Chiquita! DOLE! CHIQUITA! until our buddy Vic sold us out to the Ecuadorian militia, all on account of a nasty 1-star review. Who the hell wants to eat grilled tapir?

Those days are long gone, and so is Vic.

In this new century and throughout the majestic Cascadia, it's no secret that I run a tight edge of the wilderness. Old spooks in the Soviet Remnant will hunt my rabbit for only a whiff of the butt-whisker. It's hard to compete with that.

After being financially forced to scale back tribute to the local "custodians", I see a pack of lowlife junkie squirrels jonesing for peanuts steal my beloved Iltis and run it off a cliff. Men don't let squirrels drive for a reason.

I try to see past it. I study the structural wonder that is the Fleece compound. There be accomplishment, purpose, peace. Expertly jury rigged and twined to an acceptable spectacular, somehow ready to launch one last run at glory.

It took me months to secure that Iltis, a Deutch 4x4 built by Volkswagon during the Europa Jeep circle jerk of 1976. You can buy the stripped down grunt version on Craigslist. Mine was the German officer's edition with command suspension, a Milan missile system, and a heated stein holder that would keep a quart of Dopplebock room temperature from Warsaw to Stalingrad.

Because when what carries you lies ruined with busted nuts among dead junkie squirrels, warm Dopplebock.

CEASE AND DETEST

2007-01-30T20:50:00.000-08:00

IT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA

2006-12-10T20:59:00.000-08:00

GIVE THE GIFT OF BOOK LEARNIN'

2006-12-10T12:39:00.000-08:00

STINK STANK STUNK

2006-12-10T11:43:00.000-08:00

HANOI PAJAMA PARTY!

2006-11-19T16:18:00.000-08:00

W dodges the war in Vietnam by hiding out back home, and now he dodges the war back home by hiding out in Vietnam?

I guess the Hanoi Hilton has pretty lousy cable, because besides the usual photo ops with other deciders (evidently sponsored by "LaSenza Girl") America's most famous fortunate son actually attended an unofficial event. He spent fifteen whole minutes at the Joint P.O.W./M.I.A. Accounting Command, which searches for the remains of the 1,800 Americans still listed as missing in the Vietnam War. Er, make that 1,801.

There were few Vietnamese to be found in the kwanza hut, mostly just tables displaying pictures and recovered artifacts recovered by members of the command. He asked one of the recovery workers "where that M*A*S*H show was made" before being whisked away in the motorcade for a dinner engagement.

W and Putin go halvers
on an order of hu mein

W's security flak, Stephen J. Hadley, conceded that the president had not come into direct contact with ordinary Vietnamese, but said that they connected anyway.

“If you’d been part of the president’s motorcade as we’ve shuttled back and forth,” he said, reporters would have seen that “the president has been doing a lot of waving and getting a lot of waving and smiles.” As regal as a queen, I tells ya. As a QUEEN!

He continued: “I think he’s gotten a real sense of the warmth of the Vietnamese people and their willingness to put a very difficult period for both the United States and Vietnam behind them, and looks forward to similar trips to Baghdad in twenty or thirty years."

WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

2006-11-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

Who is W gonna call? Dad.

Funny how Americans voted to remove Republicans last Tuesday, and by the end of the week James Baker is running US foreign policy. What ballot was that on?

Rumsfeld might have fallen on his sword, but he fell on it backwards. Gates, another Bush 1 spook, takes the wheel of the flaming Humvee and will try to remember if you turn into the skid or out of it.

Everybody thought Jeb was next in line, but it looks like George Sr. is getting a second term after all. Well, at least half a term.

What a headline: Wimpy bails out kid born with club head. If W goes down in history for anything, it's "Father of Muslim Enlightenment".

GIVE IT UP FOR ZOMBIE JUSTICE

2006-10-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

THE GREAT PUMPKINERATOR

2006-10-29T21:34:00.000-08:00

THE PROJECT FOR A NEW AMERICAN SANDWICH SPREAD

2006-10-27T06:36:00.000-07:00

Overwhelming feedback from my last post regarding the current president's nostalgic pangs for Peanutty Koogle. Sarah at the NuTang Institute, which evidently promotes the resurgence of the Apollo Space Program's stalwart vitamin C delivery system, writes:

Chocolate and peanut in a spread?!
I can see why he likes it!

Oh it was a tasty treat alright. Designed during the glory years of "The Project for a New American Sandwich Spread", or "P-NASS", a corporate think tank weary of a robust, politically aware post-war citizenry ingesting fresh and nutritious foodstuffs. There were many other petroleum byproducts engineered into lovable snack digestible, although only one survives in it's original molecular build.

Cheez Whiz, which should be known more for the alarming namesake medical condition it precipitates rather than it's own consumable property, was a marketing phenomenon. It's murky origins have long been the stuff of dark rumour and stand up comedy, and tales of it's reverse-engineered origins following the Roswell incident are constantly denied by both P-NASS and the FDA.

In his autobiography "It's Soylent Yellow, People" Chick Daney, R&D team leader at the Kraft skunkworks facility at LaBrea, California, described the moment Cheez Whiz was green lit as a viable substitute for nutrition:

"All the suits from The Project for a New American Sandwich Spread were breathing down our necks for a final polymer build that they could take to market. My team was pretty sure we had a winner as a heat shield fastener for the proposed shuttle program, but flavor testing was coming back negative. Running out of time, we went next door to where Marlboro was testing it's latest menthol line and grabbed a sample group. It turned out they had negatively impacted salivary glands as well as concave taste buds, and over half the group committed suicide not long after trials. We passed the Whiz around on wax paper squares. Out of the 75 tested, 94% stated without equivocation that, and this was completely un-coached, the Whiz "tasted like P-NASS". Or at least that's how we wrote it up. The suits from the Project creamed themselves over that one, saw it as a sign from Jesus or something, and ran with it."

Cheez Whiz changed a) the way Americans thought about food, and b) the way other people thought about Americans. Koogle essentially followed the same marketing plan but never came close to dethroning the Whiz. Other challengers included the now infamous "Shitzel", the Marshall Plan-ending West German "SchadenFood" (sold as "Die Jest" outside Europe), and the gastrocidal Hungarian curdfest "Wheya Dareya".

DUPE TO NUTS

2006-10-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

I have got to get the latch fixed on my sensory deprivation tank. Three weeks on an unsteady diet of peyote and salt water gives you far too clear a mind for this crazy world. Hai Yoo, my hearing -challenged Korean ESL student, finally opened the hatch only because he thought the spin cycle was done on the whites. He wasn't far wrong. The upside is I lost 25 pounds and learned Mandarin, which will be the only language spoken in 2070. Trust me, the sunsets then are something else.

Speaking of altered states, less than two weeks until the midterm elections and Bush is talking about how he likes "the google" on "the internets". He's watching over you, America. Sitting upstairs above eleventy billion dollars in real-time infra-red fart-catching satellite-snoop technology, the most powerful man in the world is watching you on a 300 dollar Dell using public beta software.

Fact is W doesn't like the basement and only runs down & back quickly when he wants a popsicle from the freezer next to Cheney's collection of shrunken heads. Ashcroft used to kill the lights when W hit the bottom step going down. High-larious.

He only discovered Google because it reminded him of "Koogle", as in "Peanutty Koogle with the Koo Koo Koogly Eyes", his favourite Kraft processed peanut & chocolate spread during the years avoiding duty in the Guard. Reef up a jay and knock back a jar. There's worse ways to spend a war.

Bush switched from real peanuts to processed after surviving too many near death choking incidents. Lack of oxygen to the brain during these episodes is the main culprit behind most of the nation's current woes, so you can quit blaming Karl Rove. Most Republicans have trouble with the lowly peanut, and now you know why Carter beat Ford in '76.

Here's another little known: W fills his pants at the sight of the Planters mascot, that smiley franken-legume with the top hat and monocle. Years back when W was at Yale, Saddam Hussein showed up at a Skull & Bones Halloween bash dressed as "Mr. Peanut". Apparently revenge is a dish best served at the cost of $9 Billion per month.

Found a peanut, found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now,
Just now I found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now.

Cracked it open, cracked it open,
Cracked it open just now,
Just now I cracked it open,
Cracked it open just now.

It was rotten, it was rotten,
It was rotten just now,
Just now it was rotten,
It was rotten just now.

HURRY - ENDS SOON!

2006-10-07T22:33:00.000-07:00

Raul Castro had some sad news for his Brother Fidel

Raul: Fidel, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Fidel: Give me the worst.

Raul: You have terminal cancer. You have only three months to live.

Fidel: Give me the other bad news.

Raul: You also have Alzheimer's.

Fidel: Good, at least it's not cancer!

Laugh comrades, laugh!!!

STEINBECKISTAN

2006-10-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

HOW ABOUT A FLATBUSH INSTEAD?

2006-09-29T22:24:00.000-07:00

When Soldiers Go to War, Flat Daddies Hold Their Place at Home

Humanity: "Check please".

BRASS BALLS

2006-09-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

I apologize up front for the lack of dispatch. I've been sick with this back to school bug. Hai Yoo, my Korean ESL student, brought home yet another mutated and aggressive virus after visiting his 14th aunt back in one of the Koreas. How many more undiscovered relations can that citizenship-challenged Asian boast?

I was laid up in the yet-to-be-refueled Reclinerator, feeling sorry for myself, practicing my adhoc cover manifesto of self-flagellation and daytime television. You know, taking in hi-def bovine byproduct on the flatulent screen.

Between kleenex runs, runs for kleenex and getting the runs from kleenex, I may have missed something. Like the meat puppets of MSFOXNN letting Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Sixpack in on congressional hearings regarding supposed military action in Iraq. Perhaps, whilst engaging my steady diet of phlegm and expired suppressants in the steam closet, I missed reports of my old trench mate Major General John Batiste offering up his nuts for the blessed constitution. 110% American salt.

Apparently professional military leadership (army brass) have been forced (taken it upon themselves) to command oversight responsibilities upon (blind tackle) that crazy fucker (Don Rumsfeld) Don Rumsfeld.

The Days of Our Oprah crowd missed the Major General instructing Rummy in the art of multiple combinations to the jocklehangers. If the old bastard suffered from stones he'll no doubt be expelling a waterfall next visit to the head, colour uncertain.

"Donald Rumsfeld is not a competent wartime leader."

"...dismal strategic decisions resulted in the unnecessary deaths of American servicemen and women, our allies, and the good people of Iraq."

Hats on! In my day your chopper would just crash in the Balkans or you'd be eaten alive by freakish republican golum. Rummy must be perceived as weak and coup-de-gras friendly. Batiste is one brave sonofabitch, but not stupidly so.

"Rumsfeld and the administration are fighting a war in secret that threatens our democratic values. This needs to stop right now, today."

Back in the day we never grew Batiste Backboners because frankly the money was too good. When it came to budget funding we took it black, like Katrina.

"I hung up my uniform because I came to the gut-wrenching realization that I could do more good for my soldiers and their families out of uniform."

There it is. Nothing stirs America's fragile, MSG-riddled heart like aged, naked dogface. Try not to let the eyes wander south. You may recoil violently and enviously from a sight more impressive than the current administration's ambiguous genitalia.

Hooah. Hack. Spew.

transcript and video

ARRRRR-BUSTO!

2006-09-19T17:05:00.000-07:00

In celebration of International Talk Like A Pirate Day, here's a couple of favorite jokes for the freebooter...

A pirate walks into the bar with a ships wheel attached to the front o' his trousers. The bartender asks, "What the hell is that ships wheel for?" The pirate says, "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

Some favorite Pirate Pickup Lines...

I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?
How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
Well blow me down?
Prepare to be boarded!

Written using the Ergonomic Keyboard for Pirates...

REQUIEM FOR A REPUBLICAN HACKER

2006-09-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

*bush08 has joined
Why do you kick me? Answer!

We didn't kick you, you had a ping timeout.

What ping man? The timing of my PC is right! I even have DST! You banned me. Admit it, you son of a bitch.

(LOL) Shit you're stupid. DST...

Shut your mouth, we have DST! For two weeks already. When you start your PC there's a message from Windows that DST is applied.

You're a real computer expert.

Shut up or I hack you.

Ok, I'm quiet. Hope you don't show me how good a hacker you are.

Tell me your network number man, then you're dead.

127.0.0.1 and I'm waiting for your great attack.

In five minutes your hard drive is deleted.

Now I'm frightened.

Shut up. You'll be gone. I have a program where I enter your IP and you are dead. Say goodbye.

To whom?

To you man. Goodbye.
* bush08 quit (ping timeout)

Evidently he enters his own IP address in his mighty hack tool and crashes his own PC. But a good hacker never calls it a day, and two minutes later he returns.

* bush08 has joined
Dude, be happy my PC crashed. Otherwise you'd be gone.

Then try hacking me again... I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1

You're so stupid man. Say goodbye.
* bush08 quit (ping timeout)

Would he manage, after two failures, to crash my PC? I waited 10 minutes until the next “attack”. Being a hacker who cracks whole data centers, he knows what the problem is.

* bush08 has joined
You son of a bitch. You have a firewall.

No shit.

Your firewall directed my turn off signal back to me.

My firewall sent your turn off hack back at your own firewall?? Damn, my firewall really kicks ass!

Be a man, turn that shit off.

If you're a hacker you have to get around a firewall. Even I can do that.

Oh, I'll hack you, but you're hiding behind a firewall like a girl. Turn the firewall off. Then I send you a virus.

Why should I turn it off? You turn it off.

I don't want to hack like this if you're going to hide like a girl behind a firewall.

Do you know the definition of hacking? If I turn off my firewall, that basically invites you in doesn't it? I wouldn't exactly call that "hacking", sparky.

Turn off your shit wall! Then my virus destroys your PC man. My grandmother surfs with a firewall.

I'm still waiting for your attack, sonny.

Ha ha you idiot, I've got it. Your G drive is deleted and there's nothing you can do.

Yes, there's nothing I can do.

And in twenty seconds your F drive is gone.

Holy crap, my G and F drives are gone! Or is it that I didn't have G and F drives to begin with?

Man you are so stupid. Never give your IP on the internet. 70% left on your F drive.

Should I tell him he's not attacking MY computer?

Ha ha loser! 20% remaining of your F drive!. Loser! Ha ha ha!
* bush08 quit (ping timeout)

Good night Gracey. He times out for good after wiping his own hard drives. Or did my firewall do it?

BASED UPON ACTUAL IRC CHANNEL CHATTER
(link removed since original posting)
Edited for brevity, rewritten for clarity, and names changed to enhance the likely.

DR. TONGUE'S 3D HOUSE OF SPIN

2006-09-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

"Ooh kids, wasn't that a scary... mini-series?? No commercials! How scary is that? No time for a pee break... whooOOOooo.... my haunted bladder... whooOOOooo... okay I got nothing."

THE MOUSE THAT WHORED

2006-09-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

Not even a pledge drive? Besides PBS, who would spend $40 mil on a TV show with no commercials? How about the Magic Kingdom, currently spreading Tinkerbell's legs for neocon influence.

As you've all mourned, Walt's old firm made a movie blaming 9/11 on the former preznit. ABC (the 'Diz) airs it two months before midterms, coordinating with W's speech the same night.

Hi ho, quid pro quo. The 'Diz gets consideration for copyright extension and maybe a say in the recomplexification of TiVo. Son of Flubber! It's a small, tribal, contemptible world after all. At least W enjoys the ears with medicated pride. Take him home, Jesus!

Yes, two fantasy brands wed and we all live crappier ever after. Or maybe it's more "Pirates of the Potomac". Goofy! Follow the money, or you walk the plank.

FOOL EFFICIENCY

2006-09-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

THE SKINNY: THUMB STUCK IN BRICK WALL, WATER RISING, SHARP KNIFE, RUNNING OUT OF DUTCH METAPHORS.

Whoa, that water shrivels the ol' clackers! Almost took the thumb off right there. Cold, like a first wife's lesbian girlfriend. Pondering shrinkticular testage further, I wondered what's one shrivelling appendage to another? What... if...?

A few minutes later I'm staring at my welded digit through a muddy haze. It doesn't seem to be getting any smaller. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

I pop my head above the narrowing surface and take in what could be my last breath as a five fingered discounter. Time to cut bait.

"Freeze!" I turn, my eyes just above the surface. "Mister Freeze!" A shape, half in the swim, hangs off the ladder just below the ceiling.

Hai Yoo? It's my loyal Korean ESL student. I can barely get the words out. "Hai! Yoo! Quit yelling so loud! It's a trap! Hintercloos! My thumb's stuck in this wall!"

"Mister Freeze, use this!" he cries, and skips a white tube over to me. I can just reach it. The water's at my chin. I pull the tube close. It's a travel sized container of KY Warming Ultra Gel. A personal lubricant, smooth, non-messy, creates a gentle warming sensation on contact and helps increase intimacy. "I didn't get you anything!"

"Use on thumb, Mister Freeze!" Above my head a light bulb clicks, then sputters, from condensation. I plunge under the surface, uncap the container and jam the tube where wall meets thumb. Squeeze, Freeze, squeeze. Indeed a pleasant warming sensation. I crunch the tube empty and start twisting my wrist...

I break the surface. "Mister Freeze, are you a light?" I hold up my bloody right mitt. "Damn straight I'm a light! Good job! Thumb is pretty messed up though."

"Mister Freeze, use this!" he cries again, skipping another package at me. A Trojan Magnum Spermicidal Lubed Condom. Now I'm starting to get creeped out. "Use on thumb, Mister Freeze!" Right, a field dressing. I'll wonder privately about the Korean's kommando kit later.

Back at the compound Yoo filled me in. Hintercloos and some dutch uncles stopped by for a break and shake. Now it's no secret that Bolivians shriek like man-monkeys when tripped upon. As such, my patented BTinfiniti "Bolivians-Tied-2-A-Pole" perimeter alarm allowed Yoo ample time to eject using the LazyBoy Jet Hover Reclinerator.

The lowlanders still managed to tear the place up. Lack of respect for other people's property is nothing new for the Dutch. Yoo hovertailed the clog squad back to the Hintercloos complex, witnessed my capture, then waited for the goons to leave before busting in and saving my ass. As reward, I've shaved a few bucks off his rent and adopted a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy regarding his "kommando kit".

Of course, he's responsible for re-fueling the Reclinerator. At today's prices? He could have used the solar sectional or the electric ottoman. I'll eat the cost of replenishing the Bolivians.

THUMBSCREWED!

2006-09-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

Ranger? My dog from when I was nine? Here boy! What's that? The world is screwed? What? Evil plans? Who's got evil plans, boy? Who? Holland? Damn, I thought it was Dutchland. What's that boy? Netherlands? Holland and the Netherlands? But not Dutchland. What's that? Exist? Right to exist? Wait a minute here. Listen boy, it's not our job to question the Dutchlandian's right to exist. That's for the people on TV to figure out. What's that? Ranger! Stop peeing on my legs!

I come to with the familiar sensation of fluid filling my pants. Cold, dirty water below the belt buckle. I'm sitting in it, upright, leaning back against a wall. Brick wall. Four brick walls. No door. Cozy.

I'm not waking up from the American nightmare. Not yet. Only thing up there is a single bare bulb in the ceiling, crusted with bugs. A wall mount ladder too far across the room. Up the only way out? Can't see a hatch. Right shoulder aching, the arm raised. Hand numb, pinned somehow to the wall.

Don't recall a fair fight. I stagger to my knees and wince. Rub the painful welt behind my left ear. Caked with blood, baking sugar. Doubly sweet, hit from behind. I turn awkward, stand up, expecting to see my wrist shackled. Nothing so medieval. Don't get it. Right thumb, comically jammed in a tiny hole in the wall. I'm the little dutch boy on the wrong side of the dyke.

Nothing makes sense. I was stealing something from a roll top desk. My foot slips as metal scrapes under the rising water. Rising? It's up to my knees! I reach down, blindly feeling around. Sharp! I grasp gingerly, pulling it up. Glistening under stark light, dripping. Focus. A stainless steel baker's knife. Thermohauser, twenty inches. Serrated with a blunt tip. Not for stabbing. For cutting. I hold the blade in my free left hand and look down at my stuck thumb. Now I get it. Advantage Hintercloos.

Revenge is served colder than the stale, lapping muck. Drown like a republican or join the raving mad dutchman's thumbless jamboree. Clog steppin' spook watches some shitty movies.

I line up the blade. This'll hurt. Christ, am I too old to learn to shoot left and be good?

HIGH CRIMES FOR A LOW COUNTRY

2006-09-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

"It spoils people's clothes
to squeeze under a gate;
the proper way to get in,
is to climb down a pear tree."
The Tale of Benjamin Bunny

Hintercloos is a man afraid of his possessions. He no doubt fired the cleaning lady during the Carter administration. After clearing the booby-trapped double dutch chocolate doors, I made my way slowly into the thumbless one's cluttered yet sugary lair. Was it the essence of nutmeg or cinnamon? All those years working the perfume counter at the Moscow GUM has beaten to hell my olfactory nerve.

My digitally-challenged foe must have left in a hurry as I hit paydirt without swinging a pick. There on the rolltop desk, practically giftwrapped under a light dusting of baking sugar, a neat stack of documents marked "Dutch Ministry of Intrigue".

I chuckled my way through the decoy plans, obviously planted, such as "GMOs: Genetically Modified Seeds - The Power To Control The Food Seed Of Entire Nations & Regions". Oh really. Next was "Tobacco Profits Secured: Industry Raises Nicotine Levels 10-20% Since 1998". Do go on. I almost gave up after perusing "Ehhhxellent: Coming US Housing Crash Will Outscale DotCom Collapse". I mean come on.

Then the money. It's always the last document in a high pile. Stamped with the official seal of the Netherlands' Royal House of Orange, "Queen Beatrix Determined To Hasten Global Warming: Rising Waters To Place Entire Planet At Mercy Of Superior Dutch Dyke Technology". Aye carumba chihuahua santa maria. The mother of all loads.

My mind began to race. Holland? The Netherlands? Dutchland? What's the connection? Queen Beatrix? How could the author and illustrator of a beloved set of children's books rise to power and hatch such an evil scheme? The Tale of Squirrel Nutkin grows darker by the day.

Then the stars came out to play. Caught a whiff of gingerbread, then an exploding pain behind the ears. I hit the maple scented floorboards, my last thought Hintercloos, Flopsy, Mopsy... I think I caught a glimpse of Aunt Sally in garters and black lace holding a cherry pie, but god I hope not.

MANKIND SAVED BY LETHARGY

2006-08-31T10:25:00.000-07:00

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see his ass.

Last night the rapture raptors at ABC - the Armageddon Broadcasting Company - nearly pulled it off. In league with the nefarious Van derKnockers agenda to instill global panic by liquidating all hope, they aired "Last Days on Earth", a brine swill concoction of black hole suckage, supervolcanic cookage and asteroidial suffering.

This morning Earth was still intact and the only thing fractured was the viewing audience. Thank god for today's disinterested youth. derKnockers neglected to factor in what the good people at Nielson have known for years: only feeble and homeridden seniors watch 20/20.

Too overweight, unhealthy and frightened to go out, the frail demographic sat clucking their tongues and pining for Hugh Downs. Nowhere near the riotous fervor envisioned by derKnockers and his media-illiterate cronies. The window smashers were too busy raving up the last days of summer and shoplifting school supplies at Target to kick off societal meltdown.

So aside from a few AARP members stroking out while trying to open stuck windows to yell "I'm as mad as hell, etc.", life's rich pageant marches on.

I can't say for certain that is the case for Hai Yoo, my trusted Korean ESL student. He is nowhere to be found and the compound looks to have been tossed by a pro. All fingers point to Hintercloos, the thumbless Dutchman. Time to cowboy up and John Wayne it over to the gripless one's lair. Speed is the key, and cunning. Perhaps an artful diversion involving pannekoek, a Dutch maiden's costume and an anvil?

THE DUTCHMAN RUNNETH

2006-08-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO

"In a contest between a black hole and the Earth, Earth would lose. It's that simple." I've heard that line before, many times. Back in the day my roomy Van derKnockers would utter that phrase, usually slumped in a corner and high on shag carpeting fibers.

derKnockers whined constantly during our "school days" that his ingenious scheme for conquering the globe by universally liquidating all hope was not being taken seriously by the senior levels of "the college". He never got laid.

Alarmed by derKnockers' complicated blueprint for anarchy involving brainless mainstream media, rogue black hole theory and the nation's growing appetite for armageddon, the "faculty" attempted to "revoke his alumni status".

To no avail. Tipped by a snivelling underling, my old "college chum" turned potential liquidator of all hope escaped through an "unlocked alleyway". But who tipped the tipper? The sniveller was later found headless under a windmill in the outskirts of Assen, Holland.

Many presidential administrations later, it all begins to make sense.

While practicing my adhoc cover manifesto of self-flagellation and daytime television, I watched in horror as ABC news (using as much of the alphabet as they can) promoted phase one of derKnocker's nefarious plan.

Reporting that a legion of rogue black holes are lurking near the home planet, ready to suck us all in to a vortex of darkened cosmic doom, is potentially the greatest worldwide destabilizer since Y2K. It trumps everything, even the Paris Hilton CD.

The nation has little to defend itself with against this assault on the collective psyche, save for intelligence, skepticism and reason. Not nearly enough. There is little doubt that I must capture and interrogate the Dutchman Hintercloos, for certainly his eight grubby prints are all over this.

The brainwash airs this week. If I can't stop it I can at least fortify the compound and wait out the coming riots. In the smoldering aftermath I'll draw up plans to block the next stage of derKnockers' scheme, likely a planted expose on the rise of subterranean mole people. There has to be more than one network in derKnockers' pocket. Cursed ABC news. This never would have happened under Jennings' watch.

The Dutchman, Van derKnockers, Holland... there must be a connection. I'll assign Hai Yoo, my obedient Korean ESL student, to research recent pacts between Dutchland and Holland.

GOT P-BOMB?

2006-08-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

DISPATCH FROM THE HEARTLAND

In my veiled travels as a raving, rootless godbabbler, the last thing I thought I'd encounter was a flying bottle of trucker piss to the face. It's one thing to negotiate the turnpikes soaked in your own urine, but somebody elses? My mistake for straying too close to the nation's crumbling highway system.

At first I thought Hintercloos, the thumbless Dutchman, had finally found me. But no, it takes more than eight fingers to downshift an 18-wheeler while filling, priming and dispatching with precision a 3/4 bottle of manpee.

This was no critic of my adhoc cover manifesto of self-flagellation and daytime television, although the bastard could have tightened the cap pre-jettison (and eased up on the asparagus some).

This was something more sinister, a little known but growing threat along the peaceful, condom-strewn sides of the country's endless grey ribbon. Even clad in my urine-soaked monk apparel, of which the rental deposit is now history, my investigative instincts were without fail. No surprises in this new low in the war on fluids. As usual, the root cause of this noxious roadside residue can be laid at the rubberized steps of big box retail.

The demand for WalMartian resupply is so severe that truckers hauling flats of pressboard shelving and tubesock party packs don't see the profit in rest stops. Better to drain the pickle in transit using whatever receptical at hand. Apparently sports drink containers have that "magnum sized" opening favoured by the nation's chubwormed independent op's. Any CW McCall fan caught loading up with regular sized springwater before the long haul risks the handle "peewee".

Once relieved, an offering to the gods of the soft shoulder is in order. This is best done over long straightaways, at maximum velocity, preferably with hapless thumbers or hoofers by the wayside. As usual, bonus points for nailing cyclists.

Like the big cats of the Serengeti Plain, territory is marked and how. Pretenders to the throne challenge with a scattering of 12 to 16 ouncers, whereas the true alpha-jimmy will impress with a gallon jug or more of methanphetamine-tainted bladder amber. An accompanying odor of old leather saddle announces with authority.

So enjoy your back to school bargains, soccer mom. Next time you grab for that last Crayola knockoff on the shelf, you might want to think about the pee price paid for restocking. As for me, it's time to head home and prepare for the final showdown with the thumbless Dutchman. But first I'll qualify for airbrakes and load up on Ocean Spray. America, urine for it.

IF ANYONE ASKS, KILL THEM FOR ME

2006-08-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

I've got to skip the compound for a month, sort of a holiday slash run from the law thing. I may have one-upped my Dutchman neighbour Hintercloos a might severely, but he'll no doubt be taking his opposable thumbs for granted again soon enough. Damned action news and their team coverage! Go chase the next fad diet, you spray-tanned hyenas.

My laptop is in the evidence lockup at Interpol, so I won't be able to update the blog while I'm kerouacking the lesser climbs of the hemisphere. Curse you Kraslov, you may trade your Stasi allegiances for that of the EU, but it'll take more than a trumped up wiretap charge to get me talking about the Bolivian. There's nothing on that hardrive but rondelet verse and Railroad Tycoon 3.

I'd take the homing pigeons, but I can't involve Hai Yoo (my Korean ESL student) as he is on thin ice with immigration. North, South... he's Korean! The lad pays rent on time and in cash. Besides, Hai has a weakness for raw squab, which is both impressive and nauseating.

So I'll be incommunicado, incognito and incoherent as I travel light as a crazed homeless godbabbler. If, walking alone, perhaps to your darkened car lot or through a backalley shortcut, an unkept maddish monk jumps out and threatens you with a biblical stoning or a holy smite, call the police. I would. Just don't take his thumbs. It's not worth it.

AUSSIE BLOKES GONE BONKERS! PAUL HOGAN HURLS PALE O' KITTENS FROM FLAMING ROOF OF OPERA HOUSE!

2006-08-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

TOP OF THE WORLD, MATE!

First Russel Crowe with the phone thing, then Mel with the racist thing, now Croc Dundee goes on a flaming feline rampage! Hey Mick, couldn't find a bucket o' wallabees?

Crikey, what's next from Down Underworld? Don't turn your back on Rolf Harris you silly bugga! He'll tie your kangaroo down, mate. Then he'll rip off it's bloody tail and beat you to death with it. Struth!

THEY'LL GET HIM WITH THE EXPLODING COFFIN

2006-08-02T22:24:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention, through my Korean ESL student, that the cover of my potential book is arousing arousal within both the gay, and surprisingly, straight Korean crowd.

Or so says the retarded scrawl tied to a wooden clog and thrown into Mrs. Fleece's entryway. At first glance an island, in an ocean of winking diamonds known as the Bay of Window Pane. The Korean enjoys nautical themes.

Advantage Hintercloos, my challenging Dutch neighbour, whose social pulses produce threatening notes on the backs of his own cable bill statements. Delivery noted as urgent. Sir, you watch far too much hardcore pornography.

If the Scandahoovian's claim has legs, then to those of you strangely attracted to my potential book's cover: Jesus Harvey Christ! It's the gun, you brazilian-porn-surfing guttermops! Hard and oiled. The GUN. Failure to regularly clean and OIL your sidearm can result in misfire and off target placement. Misfire is worse, but off target placement usually ends with somebody changing their underwear.

And HARD. Harder than your busted bones after you fall on it. I once cracked two ribs landing on a holstered Glock 17, although it had the full silencer barrel extension attached, which is awkward. Fidel was lucky that day.

MAO MART GETS EVEN COMMIER

2006-08-02T08:23:00.000-07:00

China looking to expand their military presence into outer space? Yawn.

China rattles swords at Taiwan? Snore.

China official vows to unionize WalMart?

"Our goal is to spread trade unions to each and every Wal-Mart outlet."
Guo Wencai
Director of China's state-run All-China Federation of Trade Unions (ACFTU)

SOMEBODY CALL OPRAH

2006-07-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

My imaginary publisher has given the green light to what could possibly be a book. I don't want to give anything away, including the title. Please ignore the accompanying cover proof so as not to spoil what will no doubt will be a book.

Alright, a few nuggets. Let's just say it will be in fact a book, possibly written by someone purporting to be me. Beyond that I have no idea. Seriously. In fact, if anyone has any good ideas I'd love to hear them. I'm desperate to hear them. Ever since my muse, Bambi, was repossessed by the bastards at realdoll.com I haven't been able to write a shopping list. I can't sign my damned name. I'd write an X, but I can hardly remember how that works.

If it wasn't for my Korean ESL student Hai Yoo and his exemplary dictation skills, I doubt this post, nay the entire blog, would be possible. God bless the quiet Asian students of this world. Study all the damned day, hardly eat a thing. Helps with the rent as well, and that's a good thing what with Mrs. Fleece leaving me high and dry all on account of those rat bastards at realdoll dot com.

When a business tells you "we ship anonymously", get it in writing. I can't emphasize that enough. And here's another tip. A seven foot tall, two hundred pound wooden crate containing a lifesize, lifelike sex doll is way too big to be delivered to a post office box at Kinko's. Because what happens is the moron clerk at Kinko's calls the a-hole at the post office who then calls the craphound at realdoll dot effing com who decides to call your wife and ask her where she wants the sex doll delivered. She never understood my muse Bambi. Never.

Anyways, I'm waiting on those story ideas, people. Let's show all the Kinko asshats and post office dweebs and realdoll dot effing com lowlifes what true talent is all about. And lay off the emails, you hungry hollywood weasels, you bottom feeding stinkbugs... it ain't even written yet.

WTF
(Warren T. Fleece)

SCARY MONSTERS

2006-07-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

NAILED IT!

2006-07-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

THE THREE BLAST'EMEROS

2006-07-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

The Independent

CNN HAS MORE TROOPS IN LEBANON THAN ISRAEL

2006-07-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

One errant shell could cut Time Warner's payroll in half.

FOX, meanwhile,
not to be outdone...

Possibly the last reference to science ever witnessed on FOX news.

WEEEEEE!

2006-07-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

VADER TIRES OF PUSHING BROOM FOR THE MAN

2006-07-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

Resist enjoying a beverage while watching, unless your monitor needs a good spray clean...

Adblock

ALL HAT, NO CATTLE: W @ NAACP

2006-07-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

"Nobody move or the moron gits it!"

"I consider it a tragedy that the party of Abraham Lincoln let go of its historical ties with the African-American community," Bush said. "For too long, my party wrote off the African-American vote, and many African-Americans wrote off the Republican Party."

"There was an amazing gap between the aspirations of his speech and the policy behind it. It was so vague."

"Bush talked about his No Child Left Behind education program, but did not mention that it has been underfunded. He raised many issues, but didn't offer solutions."

"Stop being a Stepin Fetchit for Dick Cheney!"

QUOTES COURTESY THE OLYMPIAN
(link to article expired since original post)

BUSH 0-2 WITH KIDS

2006-07-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

Hope in America is restored as Adorable Toddler flips Bush the bird during his stem cell veto speech. The Republican strategy of appealing to the pre-school vote seems to be faltering of late as polling numbers show.

RANGE & APPROVAL RATING
Ages 3-5 "Booger Fart"
Ages 2-3 "Poopy"
Ages 1-2 "Doodoo"
Ages 0-1 "Undecided"
Embryo - 0 "The deficit is what? I'm SCREWED!"

STRIKE TWO
Bush fails to demonstrate that you can
"squeeze stem cells from a young'n"

PUTIN THE BOOTS TO

2006-07-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

Jabby ex-red border boxer Vlad "2Boots" Putin ain't fillin' the galushki hole with seconds. It's a political chin shot - two in fact - with the BB Boys ouchin' and yelpin' and duckin' for cover - too late.

Vlad suckered Tony B with an uppercut concerning the combustible "cash for peerages" scandal that has engulfed the blighty's ruling Labour Party. While Blair counted the stars, the steely Putin served Dubya a right hook that the two Karls - Rove and Marx - would be proud of. Democracy? “We certainly would not want to have same kind of democracy as they have in Iraq, quite honestly.” Here's your ass back, fratboy. Bus stop is down the street. Fear my KGB skillz.

The G8 Merkleoglers were lucky only the chins got skinned. Putin, known as "2Boots", has the ability to literally kick both your nuts out, two shots, one nut at a time. Ask Yeltsin.

It can be done. It's all about will, instinct and precision. Advantage Vlad - in the cagematch for Supreme Earth Overlord. 'Cause you gotta have the right kind of crazy, baby.

WALMART GREETERS DEPLOY SOUTH

2006-07-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

The US Dept. of Defense has deployed 5,000 blue-vested WalMart greeters to combat illegal immigration into the United States from Mexico.

"After running out of regular army and guard units, we were at a loss... make that a stop loss" chuckled DoD spokesman H.R. Puffenstuv. "It was either them or the boy scouts, and we need the scouts for Venezuela. You didn't hear me say that. Besides old people love the dry heat. They head south anyway. It's win win, a no brainer."

HARPOONED

2006-07-18T23:30:00.000-07:00

Canada's chillingly bush PM Harper ("area god shill takes country") is in the media mutt-slam for backing up Israel with the "measured response" talking point as Yarmulka missiles kerplutz Canadians in Lebanon.

To prevent further bad press, endangered Canuckistanis will be plucked from peril by Pierre Burton's gallant lads & lesbians at sea. HMS Stretchypants steams for the holy fester after a crane pulls her from the adventure pond at West Edmonton Mall.

EINER BLITZ MASSAGE, MEIN FRAU?

2006-07-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

A guide to proper behavior guidelines for the work environment
FEATURING THE G8 PLAYERS
Suave Herzog.............PREZNIT GEORGE W BUSH
Frau Victim...............GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL

UNDT VE BEGIN!

The issue of sexual harrassment
in the workplace is complicated...

...by the fact that men and women view
the issue of what constitutes sexual harrassment...

...differently.

Put simply, some behaviours that men considered
"harmless social interaction"...

...women considered "harrassing".

Clearly there is a role for education in the workplace...

Clearly sneaks up from behind, grabs her, exits
back, and to the left...
back, and to the left...
back, and to the left...

WILL LEAD FREE WORLD FOR FOOD

2006-07-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

"If you owe $100,000 that's your problem.
If you owe $100,000,000 that's the bank's problem."

QUESTION: So whose problem is it
when a country owes $66 TRILLION??

ANSWER: CHINA

Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis Review
OPENS PDF FILE USING ADOBE ACROBAT
IF YOU'D LIKE TO READ A LONG, BORING
ESSAY ABOUT HOW SCREWED THE USA IS FINANCIALLY

LOVE AMERICAN STYLE

2006-07-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

Awwwww FREAK OUT!

2006-07-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

YOU CAN'T WRITE THIS SHIT!!!
But you can write this shit:
1) Finally found the WMDs
2) "The Dead Zone 2"
3) (Shakes baby violently)
This is what I do to leakers!
4) Look upon my works, ye baby,
and despair!
5) IT BURNS!
6) The most avant garde
Robert De Niro impression ever.
7) This how you get baby oil!
8) Time for a change, America!
9) BRAAAINNSSSS!!!!
10) Smells like foreign policy

HEZBOLLAH'S A POPPIN'

2006-07-16T09:31:00.000-07:00

I've been reading NY Times' Sy Hersch's opinions that the US would attack Iran by August since the beginning of the year, but all the major bingo callers in the states missed this one from late May:

War with Iran will probably not begin with a frontal assault by the U.S. and/or Israel on Iran's alleged nuclear weapons facilities, or even a skirmish along the Iraq-Iran border. Look to Lebanon and Syria for the first battlegrounds of this developing regional war. The Israelis know perfectly well that Iran's nuclear ambitions, if they ever materialize, are not an immediate threat: their real concern is their volatile northern border, where their deadly enemies – Hezbollah – are an effective obstacle to Israeli influence."
antiwar.com - showdown over iran

But either way you cut the babka, one thing is for sure...

... the Archduke Ferdinand
scholarship is awarded to:

Cpl. Shalit, who holds dual Israeli and French citizenship, has been described as quiet, athletic and a good student who planned to go to study mathematics at university after completing his military service, which began a year ago.

Duel Israeli AND FRENCH CITIZENSHIP??
So he surrendered after all!
Sorry France - a cheap shot - a bloggian headbutt if you will.

heh - the US shmedia keeps saying this cat was "kidnapped", not "captured". It's the little things, ain't it?